Number one. Deer. Deer... I think deer are really pretty. Like I love their eyes. They have these huge just black eyes which is, like, Alaska has huge black eyes. Like I love them, but they just have these tiny little, like, mouse brains.
Number two. Driving in cars.
Number three. Throwing up in a car.
Number four. Falling and hitting my teeth.
Number five. Home intruders. I used to watch a ton of Unsolved Mysteries and they would be like, “There is a person and he is still out there, so if you have any information call this number.” And, like, how fucking warped did that make my brain? I would just be convinced that there was someone in the house downstairs. I would be absolutely convinced. I would wake up my mom in the middle of the night and I'd be, like, “There's someone in the house. There’s someone down there.” There was no one in the fucking house. Why would they be in the house?
Number six. People talking about me. It was something that was, like, a crippling anxiety that I had when I was, like, a kid and getting over it has been probably one of the biggest breakthroughs in my life and why I feel like I'm a happy, entire person now. Because, hi, I'm a drag queen. Like, my job is having people talk about me. We're there for you to pick apart and talk shit about. And then you pay money to come see our shows, like that's the tradeoff. And I'm okay with that. One of my earliest memories of feeling this, I think we were at, like, a Sunday school. And it was winter, and, like, it was really cold out. I'm from Erie, Pennsylvania. And I got the distinct feeling that these kids in the stairwell were laughing at how puffy my coat was. I felt horrible! I didn’t like it! But now I'm like, “Girl you better laugh at my puffy coat I'm fucking warm. Get into this puffiness, honey.”
Number seven. Not having enough time to get ready. Drag is, like, there's so much time and preparation and gluing stuff to ourselves. Putting all this stuff on, transforming your face, and then the hair, and gluing on stuff to your fingers and your eyeballs, and putting in a fake body, and like all these things. So, like, it's especially terrifying if you're having a dream and they tell you, “Oh, you have five minutes and you have to get ready.”
Number eight. Cockroaches. The cockroach thing is not like, “Eww! I’m scared of cockroaches.” Because I'm not. Like, I've had a journey with cockroaches in the place that I'm currently living in. And there was a journey, there was a moment where, like, they were creeping in. They were encroaching into my home. I became obsessed with, like, killing cockroaches, and I was killing them and gassing them or spraying them. And it was like a war. And then at a certain point, and cannabis was involved, I was like, “Wait, I don't want to kill. I don't want to kill anything. I don't want to kill anybody. I don't want to cause this harm.” And so I stopped. I stopped killing them and I said, “You know what, you guys were probably here before I was. This is as much your place as it is mine. And so if you want to live here you absolutely can.” And I'm not kidding, they left. They vacated the premises. They left. Yes it's fucking true!
Number nine. Sending out new material. I'm not scared of people saying, “Oh stay in your lane you're a singer.” Because, like, I've always been and it's what I love about drag is we're allowed to dip our fingers in every single one of the pots, you know? But whenever I send out something I've written or an idea I feel very much like they're going to come back and be like, “This is the fucking stupidest thing I've ever seen! This is terrible!”
Number 10. Dying. I'm planning on living past 90. And I want to still be doing drag even when I'm 90. And I want them to tape my fucking face back and prop me up in the doorway like Mae West and just getting to the stage I want a standing ovation. Just standing there. But, at the same time I’m also, like, “Well, I mean, if I died like right now in a tragic plane crash…” my music would sell so much, you know?
My name is Alaska Thunderfuck and these are 10 things that scare me.