Number one. I had such modest goals this morning. I had to drive my mom some place that's like a standing thing she has every Monday, and then I took the dog to the park. It seems simple enough, right? But this is the time of year around here when the frogs come out from hibernation, and they literally come up out of the mud and dirt. I mean, you don't see them do it. I would imagine that would be very creepy, but suddenly you have frogs and snakes and I kept hearing this croaking so I went over there to look at it and I see this cute little green frog, but then it came toward me and it was slithering. I was not out there trying to make amphibious friends, so I left.
Number two. Loss of identity, which kind of surprised me. I've always identified myself as an athlete, but I'm getting old now, so why am I still an athlete? I was an attorney for a long time. I'm no longer an attorney. I've thought of myself as an actor for years. I haven't been acting. I have always thought that I was pretty smart, but now I think my brain is atrophying because I live in Lansing. I thought eventually I'd come back, and by the time I came back I could live anywhere and still do whatever I do. Well, no. My father's health declined really rapidly. And here I am taking care of them 24/7. And it is 24/7. And this surprised me but I have to admit it: I want to be pretty. I'm getting old now so I don't know if I'm carrying that well. Am I pretty or am I that old bitch that’s trying too hard?
Number three. My nephew Elliot not thriving.
Number four. Being carjacked again. That night I thought the person who had pulled up behind me was my neighbor. And so I really wasn't paying attention. And before I'd even closed my door the kid was on me with the gun and he was telling me, “Give up the keys. Give up the keys.” Well, in any big city you keep your house keys your car keys separate. They can have the car, but you don't wanna be outdoors. And he was reaching for the shiny jingling keys, my house keys, and I'm saying, those aren't my car keys. And he was not hearing me. And I thought, oh my God, he's gonna shoot me, because this isn't going well. I finally said to him, “I'm not gonna get shot because you don't know what the fuck you doing. This in my right hand is my car key and I'm gonna give that to you right now.” And I stuck the car key toward him, held it into his face. And he took it. And then I turned to walk away. And he, thank God, did not shoot me in the back.
Number five is financial instability. I don't have a retirement plan. I don't have a 401k. Nothing. I am broke as a broke dick dog, as they say.
Number seven. Giving in to despair.
Number eight. Dying alone. I don’t have any kids.
Number nine. My parents mortality. It could come any day and I hadn't even thought about that when I first got home, and it's not something that I've thought about actually until very recently. Not only am I not ready emotionally for it because, as much as they get on my nerves, which is every single day, I cannot imagine living in a world without them. I will have no purpose other than Elliot if they were to die suddenly.
Number ten. When I left here I didn't have a plan of coming back. But, things happen. Life happens, and I'm back, and I have never been unhappy for this long a period of time. It is persistent. I wake up happy and then I realize, oh shit I'm in Lansing.
I'm Jill Chenault and these are 10 things that scare me.