Number two would be, I just hate roller coasters. I always have.
Number three is kids flying. Something about planes I guess.
Number four. Falling. I always thought that it was an act of weakness when I was younger to hold onto the handrail quaint and stairs that only make wimps would do that. But now I just hold on for dear life because I don't want to fall.
Number five. My daughter being assaulted. I just know several people. Well I myself I was sexually assaulted and I was in high school and I was drunk. I was at a party and I was probably pretty much passed out in a courtroom and someone came and I didn't know who it was. I was so passed out that if the house was set on fire I would have just stayed there. I had no idea who it was, that could have been a guy that sat next to me in geometry. I have no idea because my eyes were closed.
Number six. I have this mitral valve prolapse. So. When one of your valves doesn't close properly and then sometimes there's some blood that leaks out. And I've really been asymptomatic my entire life but I have to go in every now and then for echoes and I went in doctor said oh I see a valve transplant in your future. So then I started kind of obsessing about that. So I'm walking or if I feel like my heart's beating quickly or if I'm dizzy then I'm thinking I had heart issues.
Number seven. I was hired to be on the defense team for Jeffrey Dahmer. God I spent hundreds and hundreds of hours with him. You got really kind of numb to it. So when he would be talking about cutting up on their bodies and like masturbating in them and I had to find out did he masturbate in the body before or after he killed them...I mean it just became so kind of commonplace. The first time I met him it was in the Milwaukee County Jail and I remember the deputy was standing there right next to Jeffrey and there was a-- I don't think Jeffrey had his handcuffs on and there was a gun right in his holster. And I was thinking you know I was a little nervous then but no you know after I met him I was not nervous to be around him at all. Not at all. You know he, he, he was nice. I mean I would just tell him what was going on in my life and you know he would ask-- I wouldn't say he's charming but he was very personable. I usually actually trust people I always give people the benefit doubt I always like people when I first meet them and you know they have to do something kind of horrible for me not to like them. But you know meeting him, I met him and if he was my neighbor you would never know. So I guess it's like you never know what's inside someone.
Number eight. I have diagnosed myself with so many different types of cancers in my life. Like I've had brain tumors stomach cancer lung cancer colon cancer. I read everything about it on the Internet that shows that I have cancer and then I try and read things that show me that it's not cancer and I'll know a lot of it's irrational like I know that. But when you're in the moment it doesn't really help that much.
Number nine. In college and out of college, I had bulimia for several years. Thinking back on it I'm thinking it -- lot of it has to do with anxiety although I don't feel like I have anxiety. It's weird but I mean I do have generalized anxiety which I guess is not surprising. So that's where my anxiety manifests: in health issues.
And Number 10 noises when I'm by myself at home. It's just interesting that anxiety how it goes up when there's not another person in the house, when I'm left to defend myself against that mass murder outside. Well I shouldn't say-- I mean you know I, no I don't, I know, I know logically it's if someone's there they've breaking in to to steal something because we've been broken into the middle of the night. Now honestly this was my number 10 so I was kind of like digging at the bottom of the barrel.
I am Ellen Ryan and these are 10 things that scare me.