AM Apes


July 28, 2001


BROOKE GLADSTONE: The last blockbuster film of summer opened this weekend. Planet of the Apes transports moviegoers to a world where apes have taken over every aspect of civilization. But director Tim Burton fails to clue us in to what AM radio would sound like in an ape-run society. On the Media thinks it might just sound like this. [RUNNING ACROSS SEVERAL STATIONS]
MAN: Gonzo in Saddle River, you're on the bench.
MAN: Thank you, I, I love the show. You could not survive in this league without an alpha male please. We have to have an alpha male in the forespot, and can we get at least one pitcher, just one, with an opposable thumb? I mean you don't gotta be Dr. Zeas to figure this stuff out! [RUNNING ACROSS SEVERAL STATIONS]
MAN: Coco in Sioux City, you're question for Gerry Spence.
WOMAN: ...deeply regret the hurt my poorly-chosen words have caused the baboon and banobo community. [RUNNING ACROSS SEVERAL STATIONS]
MAN: ...not bananas -- [SHOUTING] bananeek! [RUNNING ACROSS SEVERAL STATIONS]
MAN: ...if's, and's or but's -- brace yourself, it's time for the Grease Man Sh-- [RUNNING ACROSS SEVERAL STATIONS] [MUSIC FOR WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN] MARVIN GAYE: [SINGING] WHEN A CHIMP LOVES A MONKEY CAN'T KEEP HIS PAWS ON NO ONE ELSE.... [RUNNING ACROSS SEVERAL STATIONS]
MAN: ...of e-volution -- the school board wants to teach...just maybe we did not evolve from the human.... [HYSTERICAL CHIMP-LIKE SOUNDS]
WOMAN: NPR senior news analyst, Daniel Schorr. [HYSTERICAL CHIMP-LIKE SOUNDS] [RUNNING ACROSS SEVERAL STATIONS] [MUSIC FOR NATURAL WOMAN UP AND UNDER]
WOMAN: [SINGING] YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL MONKEY-- BACKUP SINGERS: [SINGING] MONKEY--
BROOKE GLADSTONE: Coming up, is Big Brother watching us? Garfield doesn't care.
BOB GARFIELD: [A LA ORANGE CAT GARFIELD] I care. Stay tuned to On the Media from National Public Radio.