FEMALE CORRESPONDENT:
Civil rights leaders are hailing criticism that Barack Obama is a patrician snob as a breakthrough for African-Americans. In an op-ed in The New York Times, historian Dr. Robert Woodson wrote, “Twenty years ago it would have been inconceivable that the news would portray a black man as out of touch with the working class. Dr. King’s dream is now a reality.”
[END CLIP]
BOB GARFIELD:
That’s tape from The Onion News Network, which does for video what the Onion newspaper does for print – send-ups of current events and of the media themselves. It is a near dead-on approximation of actual news in cadence, tone, visuals and, of course, adrenalin.

Here, after all, is what a real newscast from CNN sounds like.
[CLIP]:
[MUSIC UP AND UNDER]
MALE CORRESPONDENT:
Getting the jump on Election Day doesn't mean skipping the lines. Once again, Florida voters are encountering problems at the polls right now.
[END CLIP]
BOB GARFIELD:
Now, think about the average Hollywood rendering of a newscast, which never quite feels right. It’s always too actory and often too stilted, even when reporting on a terrorist attack, like this clip from Die Hard.
[CLIP]:
[MUSIC UP AND UNDER]
ACTRESS PLAYING FEMALE CORRESPONDENT
We've had an update on the terrorist takeover of the Nakatomi Building. Sources say the terrorist leader Hans may be this man, Hans Gruber, a member of the radical West German Volksfrei movement.
[END CLIP]
BOB GARFIELD:
So what does the Onion know about how to create the illusion of authenticity in news that the rest of the creative world seems not to? Will Graham is executive producer and director of the Onion News Network and Carol Kolb is head writer. They both join me now. Will, Carol, welcome to the show.
CAROL KOLB:
Hi. Thanks.
WILL GRAHAM:
Hi. Thanks for having us.
BOB GARFIELD:
Nobody else seems to have noticed, but you have, that newscasters don't just say their scripts, they actually kind of shout them in-to the microphone.
WILL GRAHAM:
[LAUGHS] Yeah, we think there’s something about newscasters that they're just louder and faster than normal human beings. But also I think one of the major differences maybe from movie versions of the news or other comedy news is that most of our news anchors and the people you see in segments are actually real news people. And, actually, one of our anchors got hired by CNN recently, which we took as a big compliment.

You know, she called us one day and was like, well, another opportunity has come up in the world of real news.
[BOB LAUGHS]
But we were excited by that.
CAROL KOLB:
Yeah.

WILL GRAHAM:
We think it’s great, you know, that they see us as sort of a model.
CAROL KOLB:
Well, I can't believe that they stole her, and I forever will consider CNN our enemy.
BOB GARFIELD:
[LAUGHING] Life imitates art. How will you be able [LAUGHS] to take seriously anything she says when she’s delivering, you know, the news?
WILL GRAHAM:
Well, we don't take it seriously, to begin with.
BOB GARFIELD:
There is a segment that I saw recently that I actually stood and gave you an ovation.
WILL GRAHAM:
[LAUGHS]

BOB GARFIELD:
It was kind of a takeoff of Sports Center, ESPN sort of reporting, but it wasn't about baseball [LAUGHING] or football or basketball. It was, of course, about sepak takraw -
[MUSIC UP AND UNDER]
- a genuine Southeast Asian professional sport.
[CLIP]:
MALE CORRESPONDENT:
Right now, news from the international Sepak Takraw League. Bad boy Nguyen Thi Buch Thuy is grabbing headlines once again.
[END CLIP]
CAROL KOLB:
Basically it takes sort of the cadence that a sports reporter has, but none of the actual facts are anything that we recognize at all.
[CLIP]:
MICHAEL:
- in the league.
MALE CORRESPONDENT 2:
It’s unbelievable, Michael. I mean, Thuy touches Ritano in 85 percent of the Tigers’ volleys. Okay?
MICHAEL:
Right. I mean, come on.
MALE CORRESPONDENT 2:
He’s earned the attention. He’s got a roll spike rate of 93, but he’s askin’ for more.
MICHAEL:
Ninety-three is great. What does he want?
MALE CORRESPONDENT:
Now look, when you’re in your 13 point, won by 6.4, you've got to be thinking in terms of your regu.
MICHAEL:
Yeah.
[END CLIP]
CAROL KOLB:
We did a lot of research to make sure that if there was a sepak takraw fan out there, this was something that they would like.
WILL GRAHAM:
And we actually saw in the YouTube comments for the video there were several sepak yakraw players and other people who were, like, finally we're getting some recognition.
CAROL KOLB:
The Onion, actually, you know, it does cover the stories that other people aren't covering, for some reason.
BOB GARFIELD:
Yeah, it sure does that, but it covers them in exactly the way the others would, if they did. How hard was it to get them as fluent in the language of ESPN as they appear here?
WILL GRAHAM:
Well, they both, you know, have some background in sports reporting or in news and that kind of thing, but it definitely took a lot of takes. I mean, one of the hardest things was just all of the terminology – impossible to pronounce – but also that particularly kind of over-caffeinated, slightly scary-sounding ESPN tone.
BOB GARFIELD:
Okay now, as much as I bow before you for having finally provided me what I've always wanted – verisimilitude in news satire – I got to say that every now and then I detect a false note. It just doesn't sound quite right. Here’s one.
[CLIP]:
[MUSIC UP AND UNDER]
FEMALE CORRESPONDENT:
Emily Anderson is just eight years old but she’s already taking part in the political process, helping her favorite candidate, Barack Obama.
EMILY ANDERSON:
McCain is a liar. So buy my cookies. McCain is a liar.
FEMALE CORRESPONDENT:
Without any help from her parents, Emily has raised enough money from selling cookies and lemonade to buy airtime for this political attack ad against John McCain.
EMILY ANDERSON:
You can make a lie sound like the truth if you say it over and over and over again. The key is to control the public dialogue.
[END CLIP]
BOB GARFIELD:
The little kid actor sounded like, you know, a not terribly accomplished little kid actor, and it sounded false in exactly the way the bad movie news excerpts sound false.

CAROL KOLB:
First of all, I did not come here to be attacked.
[WILL LAUGHS]
Okay? But that’s an area that is very hard – children.
WILL GRAHAM:
But, you know, I actually think that little girl’s pretty good. But there are definitely times where it’s like you just show up and you’re wrestling with someone and you don't get it all the way there. But, you know, we're always shooting for that total realism and authenticity.
CAROL KOLB:
Mm-hmm.
BOB GARFIELD:
On the subject of near self-parody, there is an entire genre, the morning show, and I wonder if you've taken a pass at that one.
CAROL KOLB:
Yeah, we have a show called Today Now, and it’s hosted by these two horribly chirpy people.
[END CLIP]
JIM:
[LAUGHS] All right, well while I'm getting this spray cheese up [LAUGHS] off the floor, Tracy’s going to be talking to two special young men who are really making a difference in their community.
TRACY:
Thanks, Jim.
[END CLIP]
WILL GRAHAM:
I don't know if you've seen the show Fox & Friends on Fox News. At first you’re watching and they kind of seem like really nice, friendly, personable, and then you kind of keep watching and you’re, like, oh, these people are kind of evil. So that was sort of the takeoff of the tone for us.
[CLIP]:
TRACY:
Thanks so much for joining us. Tell me everything about your project.
BOY:
Well, in order to get our Eagle Scout badge we needed to do a - community service project. And we talked it over and we thought that we'd do – help women do their breast exams.
TRACY:
So how is your program going to work? I mean, where do you plan to do these exams?
BOY:
Well, I think we're probably going to do them in my basement.
[END CLIP]

BOB GARFIELD:
[LAUGHS]
[BOY CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]
Now, I got to tell you, these kids - I've got no complaints with their performance. They are perfection itself. But can you sustain the joke? I mean, how long can The Onion News Network continue to be funny just because it’s such a dead-on parody?
CAROL KOLB:
We always like turn on CNN or Fox or one of the other channels and we see something new, and we're like oh, wow, do you see how that photo is in that box that’s turning that way? Like, we got to do that.
WILL GRAHAM:
I think as long as they keep going, we'll have plenty of stuff to do.
BOB GARFIELD:
Well, you’re doing God’s work. Thank you very, very much.
CAROL KOLB:
Thank you for having us.
WILL GRAHAM:
Thank you.
BOB GARFIELD:
Will Graham is the executive producer and Carol Kolb the head writer of The Onion News Network.
[CLIP]:
[MUSIC UP AND UNDER]
BRANDON ARMSTRONG:
And spectators at the Breeders’ Cup World Championships this weekend will see the first-ever openly gay horse to run in a major stakes race. Jean Anne Wharton takes us Beyond the Facts.