Stand Up and Take It
Transcript
XENI JARDIN: A month or so ago, this office received a fateful press release. It announced a contest for the Funniest Reporter in New York, a charity benefit sponsored by New York's Laugh Factory comedy club. We threw it out because we smelled a publicity stunt but Bob, who thinks he's funny, dug it out of the trash. Thus began a saga, a journey, an odyssey into one's man psyche, one man's quest, one man's grotesquely inflated ego. That man is our very own Bob Garfield.
BOB GARFIELD: You know me, of course, as the dean of media-related radio news magazine male co-hosts, with all the power and gravitas that implies. What perhaps you don't know is that I am a very humorous individual. First of all, congratulations.
PAULA KERGER: Thank you.
BOB GARFIELD: Of course, I think that's probably how the devil greets newcomers at the gates of hell. [LAUGHTER] Can we just go down a checklist [LAUGHS] [BOB, TO HIMSELF]: Devil - Bob, you're a caution. But stand-up comedy is more than just natural-born hilarity. It's also about timing and writing, confidence and skill. It's about standing on stage exposed and asking an audience of total strangers to like you. That doesn't just happen spontaneously. If I were to be crowned Funniest Reporter in New York, I'd have to, you know, write some jokes and practice them. [WATER SOUNDS]
BOB GARFIELD: [ON RECORDING]: Now, this is very important. Never, ever lie to your children, unless they ask you about the '70s. My son said, "Dad, did you ever use" - [SOUND TRAILS OFF]
BOB GARFIELD: At least once a day and twice, when I was really grimy, I honed my material to perfection. But my labors didn't end there. As this was a contest, I also needed to size up the competition. The performers would include acts from Forbes, MSNBC, Bloomberg News, the New York Press and the always- entertaining New Jersey suburban parent. This opposition research was quite revealing, especially when I met Chester Dawson, an editor, late of Business Week Magazine, who immediately dropped a bombshell.
CHESTER DAWSON: What I've found, and I've done a few open mikes just to test things out, it seems like this – and, of course, those audiences – [OVERTALK]
BOB GARFIELD: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
CHESTER DAWSON: It's like—
BOB GARFIELD: -- you're in front of an audience?
CHESTER DAWSON: I have indeed done a little bit, and I highly recommend that you do [LAUGHING] so too.
BOB GARFIELD:Wow. [LAUGHS] Actual comedy experience. But instead of being intimidated, I chose to learn, soaking up knowledge about challenges I'd never even imagined, like the nightmare of getting lost on stage in the middle of a joke.
CHESTER DAWSON: Don't be a self-critic while you're on stage. I mean, don't tell people, "Oh, that wasn't funny." You've got to be like a shark. You've always got to be moving forward. You never go back. If it doesn't work, you just move on. And that's tough.
BOB GARFIELD: I must say, despite Chester's cautionary words, I was feeling pretty good about my chances. My material was coming along pretty well, and I was beginning to work out the rough spots in my delivery. [WATER SOUNDS]
BOB GARFIELD [RECORDING]: And I was honest. I told him I experimented with illegal drugs two or three -- thousand times in the '70s, but…
BOB GARFIELD: But then in another press real estate from the Laugh Factory, I saw an updated roster of performers, and one name stopped in my tracks, Jamie McIntyre, Pentagon correspondent for CNN.
JAMIE McINTYRE: Defense Secretary Rumsfeld denied that the phrase "the long war" meant that U.S. troops would be deployed in Iraq and other places indefinitely. In fact, Admiral Giambastiani made the point that an area the size of Kentucky, the state of Kentucky, has been turned over to Iraqi control just in the past several days.
BOB GARFIELD: All right, not his strongest material. But not only is he reputed to be one of the funniest defense correspondents ever, he has my dream job. When I was a youngster, all I ever wanted to do was wander the Pentagon waiting for Donald Rumsfeld not to answer my questions. And here McIntyre basically snatched my destiny from my hands! So now at last would come the showdown. And I was determined to find out what this joker was up to. But, like the Defense Secretary he covers, he's pretty cagey himself.
JAMIE McINTYRE: There's huge swaths of potential comic material that is sort of off-limits. You can't make too much fun of those people at CNN because I got to work with them.
BOB GARFIELD: "Aw, shucks, I don't have a chance. Anyway, I can't even do my best material." Fine. I'll let him play that game. But this funny reporter decided to re-port! Say something funny.
JAMIE McINTYRE: See, that's it. There's nothing less funny than somebody trying to be funny.
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to work blue?
JAMIE McINTYRE: I'm sorry?
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to work blue?
JAMIE McINTYRE: Uh -
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to be filthy?
JAMIE McINTYRE: I thought about it, because -
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to say [BLEEP] –
JAMIE McINTYRE: Because –
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to say [BLEEP] –
JAMIE McINTYRE: Because, uh, uh –
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to say [BLEEP]?
JAMIE McINTYRE: Well, the – be - bec, well it’s interesting you should say that.
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to say [BLEEP] [BLEEP]?
JAMIE McINTYRE: Probably not. [LAUGHS]
BOB GARFIELD: This was not idle inquiry. In my weeks of preparation, I'd come up with quite a few very good jokes, and almost every one of them was unforgivably filthy, or worse. But could I perform them in public? Me, the "dean of media-related radio news magazine male co-hosts?" It was a conundrum, but no use fretting, because soon enough, the moment of truth had arrived. [AUDIENCE HUBBUB] Within moments of arriving at the Laugh Factory, I found myself face to face with one of the celebrity judges, the legendary Pat Cooper, who was kind enough to share his perspective on the event and my prospects. PAT COOPER: What are you doin'? Are you nuts? Nobody [ UNINTELLIGIBLE] so what are you gonna win here? Why? Why should you be under pressure for nothing?
BOB GARFIELD: That's pretty much when it should have been clear that, though I was showered fresh and clean, my problems were just beginning. Problem number one, now that I look back on it, was that some of the contestants in the Funniest Reporter's contest were not reporters at all. Among them was Catie Lazarus who qualified on the basis of contributing humor columns to the New York Jewish Forward.
CATIE LAZARUS: I opened for Lewis Black on Monday, and I performed at Caroline's on Tuesday, and on Friday I'll be at Gotham Comedy Club.
BOB GARFIELD: The second problem was that most of the contestants were not actual comedians. And when the competition got underway, the audience was not especially forgiving.
WOMAN: I've heard that some people would rather be dead than speak in public. Tonight I get to speak and hope my jokes don't die. But – [PAUSE, DEAD SILENCE]
MAN: Reporters have lost credibility in the minds of the general consumer to the point where I think O.J. Simpson is more credible when talking about how to be a good husband. [LAUGHTER] Of course, O.J. couldn't be here tonight - he's still out catching the real killers. [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] How we doin'?
WOMAN: And is -- you rule my world. [LAUGHTER]
MAN: Mm. Uh, it's a good thing I have a day job to fall back on. Wow, you guys are - [SOME LAUGHTER]
WOMAN: Oh, my God! On paper – gorgeous. I meet him. His profile – written by Jayson Blair. [SOME LAUGHTER] I kid you not. [FAINT CLAPPING]
MAN: I want to thank that guy in the back row for not yelling out when she talked about her real breasts. Thank you. [LAUGHTER] I really apprec - tasteful. Appreciate it.
MAN: So anyway, speaking of cancer…
BOB GARFIELD: Then there was the third problem. Catie Lazarus and another pro named Tyrone Johnson did work blue.
CATIE LAZARUS: So I tried to look as sexy as possible and I put my hair back, and in as sultry a voice as I could do, I was like, "I just want to [BLEEP] [BLEEP]." [LAUGHTER]
TYRONE JOHNSON: So, a girl called me up, I’m at work, and she says, "Right after work, I'm gonna [BLEEP] you [BLEEP] from them [BLEEP]." I said, "Whoa! [BLEEP] from them [BLEEP]!" That's like Pentium 12! That's some advanced [BLEEP]." [LAUGHTER] I mean, I said, "Does that involve the [BLEEP] at all or what?"
BOB GARFIELD: It did me no good whatsoever when New York television legend Joe Franklin made a surprise appearance. The 52-year TV veteran delivered 52-year-old jokes flawlessly, loosening up the crowd just in time for my nemesis –
JOE FRANKLIN: Jamie McIntyre! [APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD: And he was funny, in a maddeningly Lettermanesque way, relying on the very juicy dishing on CNN colleagues he swore to me he wouldn't do. Oh, he thought better of it later, worried that a little good-natured joshing might be taken the wrong way back in Atlanta, but on stage, he took no prisoners.
JAMIE McINTYRE: Rumsfeld's not really the guy I'm afraid of in my job. The guy I'm afraid of is – and maybe you've seen him on TV – [BLEEP] [BLEEP]. [LAUGHTER] Have you seen [BLEEP]? I happen to be on his show on all the time. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen this. It just happened just to me the other night. I was doing a report about body, body armor and it was, it was called "Body Armor: Fetish or Fashion Necessity?" [LAUGHTER] But I'm on the show, I'm doing a story about body armor, and I swear to God, this is [BLEEP] [BLEEP]'s question. At the end of every report, this is what [BLEEP] asked me. It's a version of this. "Jamie, how could what you've just reported possibly be true - because it flies in the face of everything I personally believe!" [LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD: But I'm probably not being quite honest with you, because I haven't yet informed you of the biggest problem of all. The charity beneficiary for the evening was Comedy Cures, a non-profit dedicated to healing through laughter. The competition of would-be stand-up comics was kicked off by a six-minute, nineteen-second presentation from a breast cancer survivor with a "message of inspiration."
WOMAN: Last year we did 54 lives events for 34,000 people. I am a stage four cancer miracle. I am cancer-free.
BOB GARFIELD: Yeah. That primes the pump for laughter. And some hapless sucker not only had to warm up a cold audience, the poor schnook had to follow that. That schnook, it pains me to finally report, had been me. Yeah. First comic standing.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Garfield! Here he is! [APPLAUSE]
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: Thank you, Girsh. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, Bob, go get 'em. You're on first, right after the cancer lady. [LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD: Truth be told, it started off just fine, and I realized everything I'd ever heard about live comedy is true. You stand up there in the glare of the spotlight, naked and alone, willing to do anything for a laugh. One of my colleagues, for instance, removed 13 pocketbook items from her bra. But I just couldn't work blue, so I settled on aquamarine.
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: I have myself had some near-death experiences [LAUGHS] in a hotel. I was in Chicago, the 57th floor of the Hilton Towers, four o'clock in the morning. Oooo-ooo-ooo! Ooo-ooo-ooo! Ooo-ooo-ooo! Bolt upright in bed. Fire alarm. Naturally, I evacuated immediately, and then I gathered my stuff and ran out of the room. [LAUGHTER] I was - [SOUND TRAILS OFF] – Voltaren for arthritis, Zetia and Lipitor for cholesterol – [LAUGHTER] Prilosec for the ever-sexy reflux disease… [LAUGHTER] …and I probably should use Viagra, too, but I – can't stand all the hugging afterwards. [LAUGHTER] You know, Stone Phillips, Anderson Cooper, Shepard Smith - WASP [BLEEP]. [LAUGHTER] See - see, Jews can't do that. Jews can't use last names as first names. This is Teitelbaum Moskowitz, and here are tonight's headlines. [LAUGHTER] It just doesn't stand [SOUND TRAILS OFF]
BOB GARFIELD: And man [LAUGHS], it was working! They were laughing! They liked me! It was the most satisfying, exhilarating, powerful feeling I've had since my back-to-back interviews on broadcast deregulation. And then, as if ordained by the gods of comedy, I- got-lost.
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: One small polyp and a brand new Starbucks. [LAUGHTER] The doctor – doctor said, asked me about my lifestyle. I said, "I don't know. Business casual?" [LAUGHTER] It, it turns out he was, he was talking about drug use, and I, you know, I was honest. I admitted that there were, you know, two or three times – actually – heh -this, this is really going well – I – [OVERTALK]
CHESTER DAWSON: You've got be to like a shark. You've always got to be moving forward. [LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: I admitted that – God, I am a funny, funny man.
CHESTER DAWSON: Don't tell people, oh, that wasn't funny.
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: I admitted – [TITTERS FROM AUDIENCE] – that I did use [PAUSE] illegal drugs. I experimented with illegal drugs two or three – [PAUSE] thousand times in the '70s. [LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD: But oh, I recovered all right, but the brief comedy mini-stroke set me off my stride. The feeling of omnipotence slipped away, leaving a void, in Pentagon terms, "the size of Kentucky," and it would take three hours for me to see if the judges noticed too.
MAN: So finishing in third place, the CNN guy, Jamie McIntyre. Where is he? Ah, - Tied for third with Jamie McIntyre is our own Joe Franklin. There he is, ladies and gentlemen. He stayed up – Finishing in second place – that's right, it's the [BLEEP] famous [BLEEP] guy – Tyrone Johnson! Where is he? Tyrone. [LAUGHTER] And our winner tonight, who goes on to the Funniest Reporter Contest in the entire world, Catie Lazarus. Where is she, everybody? [APPLAUSE] Catie! Oh, my God, there – oh, the humanity, they're jumping from the top! And, oh, this is horrible, but it's great! Here she is, ladies and gentlemen!
BOB GARFIELD: So as it turns out, I am between the 5th and 18th funniest reporter in New York, which I can live with. Comedy Cures raised a few thousand bucks, the Laugh Factory got a lot of cheap publicity, and most of all, I learned something about myself. Call it a new-found sense of purpose, call it what you will, but I know this: Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock and Margaret Cho don't know [BLEEP] about media criticism. [MUSIC UP AND UNDER]
BOB GARFIELD: That's it for this week's show. On the Media was produced by Megan Ryan, Tony Field, Jamie York and Mike Vuolo, and edited this week by committee. Dylan Keefe is our technical director and Jennifer Munson our engineer. We had engineering help from Rob Christensen and, with tears in our eyes, we say goodbye this week to Katie Holt and Kevin Schlottman. Thanks for all your help, guys. Our webmaster is Amy Pearl.
XENI JARDIN: Katya Rogers is our senior producer and John Keefe our executive producer. Bassist/composer Ben Allison wrote our theme. You can listen to the program and find free transcripts, MP3 downloads at our podcast at onthemedia.org, and e-mail us at onthemedia@wnyc.org. This is On the Media, from WNYC. Brooke Gladstone will be reporting from Israel next week. I'm Xeni Jardin.
BOB GARFIELD: And I'm Bob Garfield.
BOB GARFIELD: You know me, of course, as the dean of media-related radio news magazine male co-hosts, with all the power and gravitas that implies. What perhaps you don't know is that I am a very humorous individual. First of all, congratulations.
PAULA KERGER: Thank you.
BOB GARFIELD: Of course, I think that's probably how the devil greets newcomers at the gates of hell. [LAUGHTER] Can we just go down a checklist [LAUGHS] [BOB, TO HIMSELF]: Devil - Bob, you're a caution. But stand-up comedy is more than just natural-born hilarity. It's also about timing and writing, confidence and skill. It's about standing on stage exposed and asking an audience of total strangers to like you. That doesn't just happen spontaneously. If I were to be crowned Funniest Reporter in New York, I'd have to, you know, write some jokes and practice them. [WATER SOUNDS]
BOB GARFIELD: [ON RECORDING]: Now, this is very important. Never, ever lie to your children, unless they ask you about the '70s. My son said, "Dad, did you ever use" - [SOUND TRAILS OFF]
BOB GARFIELD: At least once a day and twice, when I was really grimy, I honed my material to perfection. But my labors didn't end there. As this was a contest, I also needed to size up the competition. The performers would include acts from Forbes, MSNBC, Bloomberg News, the New York Press and the always- entertaining New Jersey suburban parent. This opposition research was quite revealing, especially when I met Chester Dawson, an editor, late of Business Week Magazine, who immediately dropped a bombshell.
CHESTER DAWSON: What I've found, and I've done a few open mikes just to test things out, it seems like this – and, of course, those audiences – [OVERTALK]
BOB GARFIELD: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
CHESTER DAWSON: It's like—
BOB GARFIELD: -- you're in front of an audience?
CHESTER DAWSON: I have indeed done a little bit, and I highly recommend that you do [LAUGHING] so too.
BOB GARFIELD:Wow. [LAUGHS] Actual comedy experience. But instead of being intimidated, I chose to learn, soaking up knowledge about challenges I'd never even imagined, like the nightmare of getting lost on stage in the middle of a joke.
CHESTER DAWSON: Don't be a self-critic while you're on stage. I mean, don't tell people, "Oh, that wasn't funny." You've got to be like a shark. You've always got to be moving forward. You never go back. If it doesn't work, you just move on. And that's tough.
BOB GARFIELD: I must say, despite Chester's cautionary words, I was feeling pretty good about my chances. My material was coming along pretty well, and I was beginning to work out the rough spots in my delivery. [WATER SOUNDS]
BOB GARFIELD [RECORDING]: And I was honest. I told him I experimented with illegal drugs two or three -- thousand times in the '70s, but…
BOB GARFIELD: But then in another press real estate from the Laugh Factory, I saw an updated roster of performers, and one name stopped in my tracks, Jamie McIntyre, Pentagon correspondent for CNN.
JAMIE McINTYRE: Defense Secretary Rumsfeld denied that the phrase "the long war" meant that U.S. troops would be deployed in Iraq and other places indefinitely. In fact, Admiral Giambastiani made the point that an area the size of Kentucky, the state of Kentucky, has been turned over to Iraqi control just in the past several days.
BOB GARFIELD: All right, not his strongest material. But not only is he reputed to be one of the funniest defense correspondents ever, he has my dream job. When I was a youngster, all I ever wanted to do was wander the Pentagon waiting for Donald Rumsfeld not to answer my questions. And here McIntyre basically snatched my destiny from my hands! So now at last would come the showdown. And I was determined to find out what this joker was up to. But, like the Defense Secretary he covers, he's pretty cagey himself.
JAMIE McINTYRE: There's huge swaths of potential comic material that is sort of off-limits. You can't make too much fun of those people at CNN because I got to work with them.
BOB GARFIELD: "Aw, shucks, I don't have a chance. Anyway, I can't even do my best material." Fine. I'll let him play that game. But this funny reporter decided to re-port! Say something funny.
JAMIE McINTYRE: See, that's it. There's nothing less funny than somebody trying to be funny.
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to work blue?
JAMIE McINTYRE: I'm sorry?
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to work blue?
JAMIE McINTYRE: Uh -
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to be filthy?
JAMIE McINTYRE: I thought about it, because -
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to say [BLEEP] –
JAMIE McINTYRE: Because –
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to say [BLEEP] –
JAMIE McINTYRE: Because, uh, uh –
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to say [BLEEP]?
JAMIE McINTYRE: Well, the – be - bec, well it’s interesting you should say that.
BOB GARFIELD: Are you going to say [BLEEP] [BLEEP]?
JAMIE McINTYRE: Probably not. [LAUGHS]
BOB GARFIELD: This was not idle inquiry. In my weeks of preparation, I'd come up with quite a few very good jokes, and almost every one of them was unforgivably filthy, or worse. But could I perform them in public? Me, the "dean of media-related radio news magazine male co-hosts?" It was a conundrum, but no use fretting, because soon enough, the moment of truth had arrived. [AUDIENCE HUBBUB] Within moments of arriving at the Laugh Factory, I found myself face to face with one of the celebrity judges, the legendary Pat Cooper, who was kind enough to share his perspective on the event and my prospects. PAT COOPER: What are you doin'? Are you nuts? Nobody [ UNINTELLIGIBLE] so what are you gonna win here? Why? Why should you be under pressure for nothing?
BOB GARFIELD: That's pretty much when it should have been clear that, though I was showered fresh and clean, my problems were just beginning. Problem number one, now that I look back on it, was that some of the contestants in the Funniest Reporter's contest were not reporters at all. Among them was Catie Lazarus who qualified on the basis of contributing humor columns to the New York Jewish Forward.
CATIE LAZARUS: I opened for Lewis Black on Monday, and I performed at Caroline's on Tuesday, and on Friday I'll be at Gotham Comedy Club.
BOB GARFIELD: The second problem was that most of the contestants were not actual comedians. And when the competition got underway, the audience was not especially forgiving.
WOMAN: I've heard that some people would rather be dead than speak in public. Tonight I get to speak and hope my jokes don't die. But – [PAUSE, DEAD SILENCE]
MAN: Reporters have lost credibility in the minds of the general consumer to the point where I think O.J. Simpson is more credible when talking about how to be a good husband. [LAUGHTER] Of course, O.J. couldn't be here tonight - he's still out catching the real killers. [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] How we doin'?
WOMAN: And is -- you rule my world. [LAUGHTER]
MAN: Mm. Uh, it's a good thing I have a day job to fall back on. Wow, you guys are - [SOME LAUGHTER]
WOMAN: Oh, my God! On paper – gorgeous. I meet him. His profile – written by Jayson Blair. [SOME LAUGHTER] I kid you not. [FAINT CLAPPING]
MAN: I want to thank that guy in the back row for not yelling out when she talked about her real breasts. Thank you. [LAUGHTER] I really apprec - tasteful. Appreciate it.
MAN: So anyway, speaking of cancer…
BOB GARFIELD: Then there was the third problem. Catie Lazarus and another pro named Tyrone Johnson did work blue.
CATIE LAZARUS: So I tried to look as sexy as possible and I put my hair back, and in as sultry a voice as I could do, I was like, "I just want to [BLEEP] [BLEEP]." [LAUGHTER]
TYRONE JOHNSON: So, a girl called me up, I’m at work, and she says, "Right after work, I'm gonna [BLEEP] you [BLEEP] from them [BLEEP]." I said, "Whoa! [BLEEP] from them [BLEEP]!" That's like Pentium 12! That's some advanced [BLEEP]." [LAUGHTER] I mean, I said, "Does that involve the [BLEEP] at all or what?"
BOB GARFIELD: It did me no good whatsoever when New York television legend Joe Franklin made a surprise appearance. The 52-year TV veteran delivered 52-year-old jokes flawlessly, loosening up the crowd just in time for my nemesis –
JOE FRANKLIN: Jamie McIntyre! [APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD: And he was funny, in a maddeningly Lettermanesque way, relying on the very juicy dishing on CNN colleagues he swore to me he wouldn't do. Oh, he thought better of it later, worried that a little good-natured joshing might be taken the wrong way back in Atlanta, but on stage, he took no prisoners.
JAMIE McINTYRE: Rumsfeld's not really the guy I'm afraid of in my job. The guy I'm afraid of is – and maybe you've seen him on TV – [BLEEP] [BLEEP]. [LAUGHTER] Have you seen [BLEEP]? I happen to be on his show on all the time. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen this. It just happened just to me the other night. I was doing a report about body, body armor and it was, it was called "Body Armor: Fetish or Fashion Necessity?" [LAUGHTER] But I'm on the show, I'm doing a story about body armor, and I swear to God, this is [BLEEP] [BLEEP]'s question. At the end of every report, this is what [BLEEP] asked me. It's a version of this. "Jamie, how could what you've just reported possibly be true - because it flies in the face of everything I personally believe!" [LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD: But I'm probably not being quite honest with you, because I haven't yet informed you of the biggest problem of all. The charity beneficiary for the evening was Comedy Cures, a non-profit dedicated to healing through laughter. The competition of would-be stand-up comics was kicked off by a six-minute, nineteen-second presentation from a breast cancer survivor with a "message of inspiration."
WOMAN: Last year we did 54 lives events for 34,000 people. I am a stage four cancer miracle. I am cancer-free.
BOB GARFIELD: Yeah. That primes the pump for laughter. And some hapless sucker not only had to warm up a cold audience, the poor schnook had to follow that. That schnook, it pains me to finally report, had been me. Yeah. First comic standing.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Garfield! Here he is! [APPLAUSE]
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: Thank you, Girsh. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, Bob, go get 'em. You're on first, right after the cancer lady. [LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD: Truth be told, it started off just fine, and I realized everything I'd ever heard about live comedy is true. You stand up there in the glare of the spotlight, naked and alone, willing to do anything for a laugh. One of my colleagues, for instance, removed 13 pocketbook items from her bra. But I just couldn't work blue, so I settled on aquamarine.
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: I have myself had some near-death experiences [LAUGHS] in a hotel. I was in Chicago, the 57th floor of the Hilton Towers, four o'clock in the morning. Oooo-ooo-ooo! Ooo-ooo-ooo! Ooo-ooo-ooo! Bolt upright in bed. Fire alarm. Naturally, I evacuated immediately, and then I gathered my stuff and ran out of the room. [LAUGHTER] I was - [SOUND TRAILS OFF] – Voltaren for arthritis, Zetia and Lipitor for cholesterol – [LAUGHTER] Prilosec for the ever-sexy reflux disease… [LAUGHTER] …and I probably should use Viagra, too, but I – can't stand all the hugging afterwards. [LAUGHTER] You know, Stone Phillips, Anderson Cooper, Shepard Smith - WASP [BLEEP]. [LAUGHTER] See - see, Jews can't do that. Jews can't use last names as first names. This is Teitelbaum Moskowitz, and here are tonight's headlines. [LAUGHTER] It just doesn't stand [SOUND TRAILS OFF]
BOB GARFIELD: And man [LAUGHS], it was working! They were laughing! They liked me! It was the most satisfying, exhilarating, powerful feeling I've had since my back-to-back interviews on broadcast deregulation. And then, as if ordained by the gods of comedy, I- got-lost.
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: One small polyp and a brand new Starbucks. [LAUGHTER] The doctor – doctor said, asked me about my lifestyle. I said, "I don't know. Business casual?" [LAUGHTER] It, it turns out he was, he was talking about drug use, and I, you know, I was honest. I admitted that there were, you know, two or three times – actually – heh -this, this is really going well – I – [OVERTALK]
CHESTER DAWSON: You've got be to like a shark. You've always got to be moving forward. [LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: I admitted that – God, I am a funny, funny man.
CHESTER DAWSON: Don't tell people, oh, that wasn't funny.
BOB GARFIELD [ON STAGE]: I admitted – [TITTERS FROM AUDIENCE] – that I did use [PAUSE] illegal drugs. I experimented with illegal drugs two or three – [PAUSE] thousand times in the '70s. [LAUGHTER]
BOB GARFIELD: But oh, I recovered all right, but the brief comedy mini-stroke set me off my stride. The feeling of omnipotence slipped away, leaving a void, in Pentagon terms, "the size of Kentucky," and it would take three hours for me to see if the judges noticed too.
MAN: So finishing in third place, the CNN guy, Jamie McIntyre. Where is he? Ah, - Tied for third with Jamie McIntyre is our own Joe Franklin. There he is, ladies and gentlemen. He stayed up – Finishing in second place – that's right, it's the [BLEEP] famous [BLEEP] guy – Tyrone Johnson! Where is he? Tyrone. [LAUGHTER] And our winner tonight, who goes on to the Funniest Reporter Contest in the entire world, Catie Lazarus. Where is she, everybody? [APPLAUSE] Catie! Oh, my God, there – oh, the humanity, they're jumping from the top! And, oh, this is horrible, but it's great! Here she is, ladies and gentlemen!
BOB GARFIELD: So as it turns out, I am between the 5th and 18th funniest reporter in New York, which I can live with. Comedy Cures raised a few thousand bucks, the Laugh Factory got a lot of cheap publicity, and most of all, I learned something about myself. Call it a new-found sense of purpose, call it what you will, but I know this: Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock and Margaret Cho don't know [BLEEP] about media criticism. [MUSIC UP AND UNDER]
BOB GARFIELD: That's it for this week's show. On the Media was produced by Megan Ryan, Tony Field, Jamie York and Mike Vuolo, and edited this week by committee. Dylan Keefe is our technical director and Jennifer Munson our engineer. We had engineering help from Rob Christensen and, with tears in our eyes, we say goodbye this week to Katie Holt and Kevin Schlottman. Thanks for all your help, guys. Our webmaster is Amy Pearl.
XENI JARDIN: Katya Rogers is our senior producer and John Keefe our executive producer. Bassist/composer Ben Allison wrote our theme. You can listen to the program and find free transcripts, MP3 downloads at our podcast at onthemedia.org, and e-mail us at onthemedia@wnyc.org. This is On the Media, from WNYC. Brooke Gladstone will be reporting from Israel next week. I'm Xeni Jardin.
BOB GARFIELD: And I'm Bob Garfield.
Produced by WNYC Studios