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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC, and we'll end today's show with Valentine's Day in mind. We're going to take your calls now on the five love languages and how you use this theory of communication within your relationship. So, listeners, for our last 15 minutes today, do you believe in the five love languages? Is this concept a tool that's helped you in your marriage or partnership, or maybe even your friendships? How were you introduced to the theory of the five love languages, and how has communicating about the five love languages or within them changed your relationships? 212-433-WNYC.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, the theory is credited to Gary Chapman, a Baptist pastor who published the hit 1992 relationship advice book called The Five Love Languages after years of counseling couples in his church. Chapman's love languages are as follows: gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. Gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. According to him, every one of us has a primary love language, a way we prefer to receive and express love, one of those five. When our love languages are not aligned with our partner's, if they don't express love in the way that may feel important to you, we'll experience friction within our relationships. That's the theory.

Listeners, have you found that this theory of love languages rings true in your own life, in your own relationships? For anyone out there, have you and your loved ones, your partner in a romantic relationship especially, identified your primary love language and communicated it to the other? 212-433-WNYC. Has this helped in your emotional life and in your relationship at all? Why do I ask this today? Well, obviously it's Valentine's Day, but also, the five love languages have been wrapped up in a hot debate over the last few weeks. According to a paper published in the Journal, Current Directions in Psychological Science last month, Gary Chapman's findings may be closer to pop culture than relationship science.

For one thing, the writers note that most people don't have a primary love language really, and find importance in all five, or even expressions of love that aren't encompassed by any of the categories that Chapman defines in his book. Additionally, there are concerns that the theory can cause more harm than good in some cases. The Washington Post reports that the theory can, "Encourage adherence to stay in difficult or even abusive relationships," citing a particularly cringeworthy example of, "Successful implementation of the Five Love Languages," printed in earlier editions of the book, which now reads as a woman experiencing abuse within her marriage.

Nevertheless, Chapman's book has sold 20 million copies, and 133 million people have taken the five love languages quiz online. It's a concept that's discussed frequently, I'm told, in couples therapy, and among teenagers on TikTok. So, whether or not the science is sound, people around the world have taken to the theory of the five love languages and found use for it in their daily lives. Listeners, have you encountered issues while trying to implement the theory of the five love languages in your relationships? For those of you who haven't even heard of this before, which one do you think would most apply to you? What makes you feel the most loved? I'll just ask you the question that's sort of right out of the book. Is it gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, or acts of service, service to you? What would rank as number one?

You'll probably say all of those are important. Maybe gifts, material gifts are the least important. I'll bet for a lot of you, words of affirmation are important, physical touch in the right ways, quality time, acts of service. What would be your love language as you're listening to this, if maybe this is a new concept for you? And for anybody who has used the five love languages concept in a relationship, how has it helped, or how has it not? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692, call or text. We'll take your calls right after this.

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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC on the so-called five love languages and you and your relationships on this Valentine's Day. Elizabeth in New Canaan, you're on WNYC. Hi, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Hi, Brian. Good morning. How are you doing?

Brian Lehrer: Good. What you got for us on this? You got a story?

Elizabeth: Well, yes, I guess I do. A very dear friend of my brother is a minister, and he makes all of the young couples that come to him for premarital counseling, he gives everyone this book. I learned of it a number of years ago, and I have read it. There's also The Love Languages of Children as well. I have found that it has not only helped me with my relationship with my husband of 29 years, but also with dealing with my children and understanding what their love languages are, and my friends. I employ this really every day. It's been incredibly helpful.

Brian Lehrer: What's your love language?

Elizabeth: Deeds and services. [chuckles]

Brian Lehrer: Elizabeth, thank you for starting us off. Mark in White Plains, you're on WNYC. Hi, Mark.

Mark: Hello there, Brian. I definitely believe that in our 47 years of successful marriage, I have embraced these five points, not by breaking them down uniquely as stated, but just-- I try to remember how I felt back there in 1967 when she went steady with me the first time, what would I do for her to please her? How would I romanticize her? I tried to keep that romance going all these years, and I think the five points that you've mentioned is part of what I see as total romance in a relationship, which is the key to a successful marriage.

Brian Lehrer: Is there one that jumps out for you at all?

Mark: Yes. Writing notes to each other frequently, expressing that love, making sure that every gift and holiday is honored with special words of love.

Brian Lehrer: Thank you very much. Here's Pierre Gint in Queens. You're on WNYC. Hello.

Pierre Gint: Hello.

Brian Lehrer: Hello there. You've got one of the five love languages to emphasize, right?

Pierre Gint: Yes, I do. The love language that's most important to me is spending the quality time with your mate, because I believe that the four other love languages are not possible without the first one being strong.

Brian Lehrer: Thank you very much. Quality time. Samuel in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Hi, Samuel.

Samuel: Hello, Brian. Thank you so much for this important topic. In my work with clients as a therapist and as a self-help author and author of Today Is Now, which I recommend, I advocate that dishonesty and sometimes choosing the right moments to not tell the truth can be vital to the successful deployment of all of the other love languages.

Brian Lehrer: What? Dishonesty?

Samuel: It's vital to not always tell the truth.

Brian Lehrer: In what circumstances?

Samuel: There are so many circumstances. When your loved one asks you, for example, do these jeans make me look fat? You cannot tell the truth. There are moments when you might have seen another person who seems attractive to you, do not admit to it. There's no reason. Truth in those situations will lead you down a path of relationship destruction.

Brian Lehrer: Thank you very much. All right, there's our most controversial caller, no doubt, in this segment. Anybody want to respond to that in a text message? When is dishonesty an act of love in a relationship, if ever? Patrice in Manhattan, you're on WNYC. Hi, Patrice.

Patrice: Hi. Can you hear me?

Brian Lehrer: I can hear you, and I see you have a love language.

Patrice: Yes. I've been married for 15 years happily, and our love language is spending time. It's so busy in this world that time is something I give as love, and I receive and consider the most important love I get from my mate, and we've taught our child that. We chose to homeschool our child so that we would have time with her, because we knew we were having one child. She's a teenager now, and even though she can get snarky and mad at us and insult us, she'll end up cuddling with us in bed very frequently because we've spent the time with her, and she always chooses to come back to us. I've found time to be very valuable.

Brian Lehrer: Homeschooling, now that's quantity time, right? [laughs] In addition to quality time.

Patrice: Yes, and quality.

Brian Lehrer: Did it ever express in your marriage, since you're talking about your marriage, as a conflict, which was part of the love languages theory? Sometimes people disconnect because they have different love languages. Was it like this for you and your spouse consistently?

Patrice: Yes. We took great joy during COVID lockdown and we wanted it to last longer because we had so many hours together.

Brian Lehrer: Patrice, thank you very, very much. Elizabeth in Highland Beach, Florida, you're on WNYC. Hi, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Hi, Brian, big fan. I just wanted to say, when I heard that question, my husband and I took the quiz when it was widely published a few years ago, and he instantly chose physical touch, and I instantly chose words of affirmation. I can't speak for him, but I paid a lot of attention to the former. I may have lost a bit of sleep over the years since then, but it's been valuable, I think.

Brian Lehrer: In other words, you try to accommodate to his love language as an act of love.

Elizabeth: Absolutely.

Brian Lehrer: And he to yours, I hope.

Elizabeth: I hope so too. [laughs]

Brian Lehrer: We will leave it there. Elizabeth, thank you very much. I'll read a text message to close this out. A listener writes, "I read the book when I was a teen and determined my love language is quality time. Since then, I grew up and became an actual psychologist, and while I recognize they're not really scientifically based, I still find the love languages helpful for communicating expectations in relationships."

I will say, judging from our board and our thoroughly unscientific sample, quality time definitely won. That's it for The Brian Lehrer Show for today. And in whatever the appropriate love language is for your colleagues, I express it hereby to Mary Croke, Lisa Allison, Amina Srna, Carl Boisrond, and Esperanza Rosenbaum, plus Zach Gottehrer-Cohen who edits our National Politics podcast, our intern Ethlyn Daniel-Scherz, and Juliana Fonda, and Milton Ruiz at the audio controls for their loving attention to the quality of their work every single day.

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