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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Now we continue with our 11:00 AM to noon fundraising party that we're doing in the eleven o'clock hour during this membership drive. As I've said, it's another look back at one of our most fun or interesting call-ins of 2023. We're repeating some of the ones that left a lot of callers hanging on because people had so much to say. Revisiting this time our Valentine's Day call-in on therapy speak.

Let me pose the question to you this way. How does therapy speak show up in your daily conversations? What term from therapy speak do you find actually helps you in your life? What term or word from therapy speak really makes you cringe, especially when someone else uses it on you? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692, with your word or phrase from therapy speak that's really been helpful to you, or the one that you think people misuse a lot, and maybe even have misused on you.

If you're not sure what I mean by therapy speak, just think of phrases like love bombing, attachment styles, holding space. All of these terms come from clinical psychology, but have trickled into the way we talk about our relationships, day to day as lay people. Have there been conversations in your life with your loved ones where therapy speak helped you communicate a need, or an issue more effectively? For example, maybe the language around boundaries has helped you say no to a request that you can't or really don't want to fulfill.

Maybe from a family member trying to make some intrusive request or instead of saying yes to attending an expensive dinner, that would throw your budget out of whack, "Hey, let's all go up and pay for a weekend at the Mohawk Mountain" something like that. Maybe now you're able to prioritize your need for financial security and say no to the outing entirely or suggest the more affordable option invoking your need to protect your boundaries. When has therapy speak helped you in your daily life? 212-433-WNYC, or when does it make you cringe and feel like it's being used inappropriately?

First round this call-in with inspiration from The New York Times article about how terms like gaslighting and love bombing are now common ways to discuss people's love lives. While there are definitely instances in which these terms are applicable, their focus was on the overuse of these words, which can dilute their meanings.

For example, having different perspectives about a sequence of events is a normal part of relationships. Whereas purposely confusing your partner to the point where they question their sanity, that's gaslighting, and that's not normal or okay. Yet both of these kinds of scenarios might be described by somebody or another as gaslighting. You're just having a difference of opinion, and somebody accuses you of gaslighting them. Well, gaslighting is really lying to make them think they're crazy, to make them think they're wrong.

For the psychologists and therapists out there, curious to hear your takes. What do you think about terms that you use in a very specific clinical way making their way into everyday conversation? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. Do people call each other narcissists too easily, to take one example?

The Times piece also brought up this idea that therapy speak and going to therapy are treated like social currency, in some ways. For a certain segment of the population going to therapy is almost a prerequisite for pursuing a romantic relationship, this line of thinking goes. Is this something you consider while dating?

What do you think about this mindset, maybe in light of the inaccessibility to mental health care we face in this country in many cases? Has this changed? Did it used to be if somebody tells you that they're in therapy, you think, "Oh, I'm weary of this person to go out with because they obviously have problems" to now it's if somebody's in therapy, "Oh, this might be a good person to be in a relationship with because they're dealing with their issues"?

What from therapy speak has helped you in your life, or has made you cringe? What about somebody else being in therapy is actually a credential, or an impediment to you starting to go out with them? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. We'll take your calls right after this.

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Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Now to your calls with words or phrases from therapy speak that have helped you in your life or that make you cringe when you hear them. Dawn in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Hey, Dawn.

Dawn: Hey, Brian. This is not necessarily a stereotypical therapy phrase, but I learned it from my therapist, Shana, who's amazing. It's "yes, and," and it's different from improv, "yes, and." Okay, I just heard it, but if you're talking, and you're negating something by saying, "I would really like to do this but," and instead you say, "Yes, and," so instead of negating the previous thing, you're allowing it to happen, and you're saying, "and." I love it, but I can tell you that my 16-year-old son absolutely hates it.

[laughter]

Brian: Because does it sound to him, if I'm understanding you correctly, like you're really saying "but," but you're using the word and to make it sound more positive?

Don: Absolutely. [laughter] Absolutely.

Brian: Yes, and thank you for calling. Let's go on to JJ in Manhattan. You're on WNYC. Hi, JJ.

JJ: Hi, Brian, I am such a huge fan, and I'm a sustainer member.

Brian: Thank you.

JJ: Thank you. I wanted to say that I have nothing against therapy, for sure. Over the years, I've delved into therapy, and I actually am a coach after years of training myself. The difference between coaching and therapy is that with therapy, you're basically, in general, you're coming from a place more of dysfunction to become more healthy and into function. With therapy, you're starting from function and you want to become optimal.

I worked for a while with a therapist, whose answer to everything was mindfulness. I would just go numb because it didn't seem to explain anything. What I've realized over the years with my training is basically I think she meant being present, present in the moment. She didn't have any way of explaining or any tool to get you there.

Brian: Yes, that's too bad.

JJ: That--

Brian: Be present, mindfulness.

JJ: But that word.

Brian: Be aware of what you're doing and what your psychological condition might be or why, but then you have to take the steps.

JJ: Right, and be fully conscious, exactly. You have to understand what that means and how to get there. It is just that word used to make me go numb and to emotionally and intellectually leave the room.

Brian: Thank you, JJ. Thank you very much. Michael in Warren, New Jersey, you're on WNYC. Hi, Michael.

Michael: Hi, Brian. First-time caller, and I love your show. For me, it's control own your own buttons. After lots of marriage counseling, the last therapist said one of the problems, this is during individual meetings, that the best thing you can do is to realize you have to own your own buttons, meaning that the controversy or the discord in most marriages are that spouses learn how to push one another's buttons, and you can stop that by controlling your own button.

Brian: Very good. Taking responsibility for your actions. Good phrase. I didn't know that one before, on your own buttons. Gabriel in McIntosh County, Georgia. You're on WNYC Hi, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Hey there, Brian. Good morning. Longtime listener, longtime caller.

Brian: I know you've called before. Glad always great to hear from you down there in Georgia. What's your therapy speak word that is either helped you or that makes you cringe?

Gabriel: Well, one therapy speak cliche that gives me solace is "they are projecting, they are projecting" because usually when you have a kind of inquiry as to why someone is acting a certain way, and it doesn't all add up, especially if you're being accused of something that you know is not the case, oftentimes, sometimes, that person is dealing with something within that they're not either in touch with or being upfront with, and they're just projecting.

A therapy speak cliche that makes me bristle is playing the victim because it's often employed by people who, and I will employ another therapy speak term right now, but people who live for the fight, and accusing someone of playing the victim assumes that someone who might be experiencing an abusive situation is being disingenuous. Brian, I might just be projecting.

Brian Lehrer: Gabriel, thank you very much. Two good ones there. Alex, in Norwalk, you're on WNYC. Hi, Alex.

Alex: Hi, Brian. Such a big fan. You make my day every day. I think that they're actually that I use them constantly in conversation because they're my own specific problem, so that's why, are boundaries and triangulation.

Brian Lehrer: Okay, so boundaries, how would you use it in a particular case? We talked about that one a little in the intro to the segment, but how does it come up for you in a way that you're comfortable saying on the radio?

Alex: Well, it's actually an interactive style within families. That's how I have experienced it, where there are families where everybody's in everybody else's business, and they have no boundaries. If you're brought up in that kind of home, that's what you're going to model. Becoming aware of what your boundaries and others' boundaries are, can completely change relationships.

Brian Lehrer: Good. Triangulation, you know we use that in politics. Like Bill Clinton used to say, "Was good at triangulation," which was that he would dish a little bit against the left, and he would dish a little bit against the right, very intentionally to create a broad center, who, at least in theory, would think he was on their side and against the extremes. That's political triangulation. What is it in therapy speak?

Alex: In therapy speak, it's very literally about not being direct. If you have a problem with someone, and you go to their partner, or to a friend, a mutual friend, let's say, that's triangulating. You're creating a triangle of three when in fact, it should be just one on one.

Brian Lehrer: All right. You had one more, neurodiverse.

Alex: Right. For those of us who have ADD or ADHD, we learned that our brains are different. One of the terms to refer to that is neurodiversity. Actually diverse brain compositions.

Brian Lehrer: That's a good one because it avoids you or somebody being labeled as having a disease, which has a negative connotation, rather than just saying, as you said, different brains are different.

Alex: Exactly. That's it, completely. You have it.

Brian Lehrer: Alex, thank you very much. That's a good one to end on. Thank you all for participating in round two of our call-in, on words or phrases from therapy speak that help you in your life, or make you cringe. We'll do another second round of one of our most fun or interesting callings from the year on tomorrow's Brian Lehrer Show, but more to come today. Stay with us.

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