Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. All right, it's a quarter to 12:00. All right, coming up on 14 minutes to 12:00, and as threatened, here is our invitation for you to do something on the air that we haven't invited you to do ever before, and that is tell one joke based on a recent news story. That's right. For the last 15 minutes of the show, we are inviting you to tell one joke on the air that's based on any recent news story.
It can be a joke you make up or one that you heard or read somewhere. 212-433-WNYC. You can also text, a one-liner works well, or a two-liner, even a three-liner works well in text message. Same number, 212-433-WNYC. 212-433-9692. Maybe some of you have been getting these ready during the show today as we've promoted it a couple of times. Again, why are we doing this? Well, during the writers' strike, many of us have been missing those late-night talk show hosts, news-based monologues.
The jokes about what we mostly cover seriously on this show. Personally, I don't usually watch them live, but I see the good ones passed around the next day. Now that the writers' union is going back to work, we can have a little fun filling the remaining void until these shows actually get back on the air without being scabs. You are invited to tell a joke based on any recent news story on the air, it can be one that you are making up, it can be one that you've read or heard just to get us going.
Somebody already texted, "Nothing's going to be funnier than Andy Borowitz's cartoon saying that Trump University graduates outraged that they were never taught to defraud banks." Hilarious. Then it quotes a former Trump University student who says, "If I had learned to defraud banks, my post-Trump University career would have played out very differently," said Tracy Kluge in the Class of 2006. All right, with that little Borowitz New Yorker cartoon joke as prelude, your very short jokes about anything currently in the news, 212-433-WNYC call or text. We'll take them after this.
[music - Marden Hill: Hijack]
Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. If for no other reason than to prove how much we need the real writers back now that they're coming back, our invitation is to you to do something on the air that we've never invited you to do before, tell one joke that's based on a recent news story to fill the end of the writers' strike void. You can also text them to the same number, 212-433-WNYC. Peter in Franklin Lakes. Hi, Peter. You're on WNYC.
Peter: Hi, Brian. How are you?
Brian Lehrer: All right. What you got for us?
Peter: Well, this is a general dig, not anything recent, but how many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Brian Lehrer: How many, Peter?
Peter: Well, if the light's out, it's Biden's fault and Chris Christie can't get up the ladder.
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Somebody liked it. Andy in Denville. You're on WNYC. Hi, Andy.
Andy: Hey. Hi, Brian. I just wanted to fill any-- the world-famous three stooges, everybody knows their names. Larry Co and-- Larry, Moe, and Stalantis. No, wait, hang on.
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Did he make a mistake, or was that the way he intended to tell it? Lance in Brooklyn. You're on. Hi, Lance.
Lance: Hi. Hi there. Hey. I was listening to Fox News, and they reported that President Biden got caught leaving a Washington restaurant. His pockets were filled with ketchup, mustard, and sugar packets, and he told the [unintelligible 00:04:07] that his Irish ancestors so often went hungry that he was still in the habit of hoarding food.
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: He was still in the habit of hoarding food. Not sure I got that. Soham, somewhere in New York, you're on WNYC. Hello, Soham.
Soham: Hi, Brian. How are you doing?
Brian Lehrer: What you got for us?
Soham: In 2024 you have a choice to vote for president, a sitting old man, or you'll have a choice to vote for a lying older man.
Brian Lehrer: I think we are very quickly proving that we do need the professionals back really soon. John in Fanwood, you're on WNYC. Hi, John. What you got?
John: I got breaking news, Brian. After drinking a glass of beetle juice, congresswoman Lauren Boebert had an uncontrollable coughing spell and had to be removed from the house floor.
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Beetlejuice. Some of you get it. Bill in [unintelligible 00:05:33] Park, you're on WNYC. Hi, Bill.
Bill: Hi, Brian. There was a headline in The Guardian yesterday, brainless jellyfish demonstrate learning ability. I thought, "Well, there's hope for even Kevin McCarthy and Lindsey Graham."
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Richie in Los Angeles. You're on WNYC. Hi, Richie. What you got?
Richie: Morning. After the decision in the Trump case yesterday, what do you call money that you donated to the Trump campaign?
Brian Lehrer: What do you call it, Richie?
Richie: Fraud you lent.
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Richie wins so far. He actually got me to laugh on that one. Wayne in Bayonne. You're on WNYC. Hi, Wayne.
Wayne: Wow, it's really tough following these guys. If Trump wins the election and they go and put him in jail and he pardons himself, it'll be the first time in history you'll hear Donald Trump say pardon me.
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Thank you. Thank you, Wayne. Asiatu in Manhattan. You're on WNYC. Hi, Asiatu.
Asiatu: Hi, Brian. I love you, by the way. This is a knock-knock joke, so bear with me. Knock knock.
Brian Lehrer: Who's there?
Asiatu: An actor.
Brian Lehrer: An actor who?
Asiatu: Dead air.
Brian Lehrer: I got it, because there's an actor strike. Okay. Shelley in Westport. You're on WNYC. Hi, Shelley.
Shelley: Thank you for taking my call. You once thought that you were the greatest, but let me tell you now that the latest is you're a mess, Putin on the fritz.
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: I think I got it. That was Putin on the fritz, right?
Shelley: Yes.
Brian Lehrer: Yes. Thank you very much. Let's see, who hasn't been on yet? Joe in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Hi, Joe.
Joe: Hey, Brian. Long time. First time, long time. Did you hear the one about Mitch McConnell?
Brian Lehrer: No.
Joe: Neither did he.
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Alan in Brooklyn. You're on WNYC. Hi, Alan.
Alan: Good morning, from the current New Yorker, a cartoon of a lantern fly as a human-sized professor pointing to a display of a human being and saying, "Here's one of the invasive species destroying our environment."
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Tim in Brooklyn. You're on WNYC. What you got, Tim?
Tim: Oh, hey. Good morning, Brian. I came up with this before you put out the call. [laughs] A guy goes into the doctor. He says, "Doctor, doctor, we need 46 million doses of that drug that instantly brings people back from a near-death coma." "Naloxone." "No, the other coma. I think the drug is called No Fox alone."
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: They got it. The crowd got it. I'm trying to figure that out. Ari in Newport. You're on WNYC. Hi, Ari.
Ari: Hello. Have I told you the joke about gaslighting?
Brian Lehrer: I don't think so.
Ari: Yes, I have.
[laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Farley in Toronto. You're on WNYC. Hi, Farley.
Farley: Hi, Brian. Here's my original joke in my newscaster's voice. There are reliable reports that the American soldier that had been detained in North Korea after crossing the DMZ has just been released in exchange for a really, really great TripAdvisor review. [laughter]
Brian Lehrer: Linda in Harlem, you're on WNYC. Hi, Linda, you're on.
Linda: Hi, Brian. I am having difficulty trusting Bob Menendez's choices.
Brian Lehrer: How come?
Linda: His wife's wardrobe choices are a crime.
Brian Lehrer: Thank you, Linda. Last one, Mike in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Mike, you're on.
Mike: I know WNYC covered the unveiling of NYPD's newest robot that's going to be surveilling Times Square. They had to go with a different name than Knightscope 5, K5, initially the actual name. The original choice was Swagbot 1312. Didn't quite cut it.
Brian Lehrer: With that, we are out of time. Thank you all for trying, but boy, have we proven that we need the writer's back. Holy moly. How many days till those late-night comics return with their professional writers feeding them lines? Oh my God. Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Stay tuned for Alison.
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