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Brian Lehrer: It's the Christmas Hanukkah, Kwanza, Solstice party of the air on the Brian Lehrer show today. Since we can't have one in person this year we thought we would do one on the radio. We have guests bringing you audio holiday gifts. Doctor Maricel Presilla is the rare restaurateur with a PhD and an acclaimed food and cultural historian as well as a chef and the author of the definitive Gran Cocina Latina: The Food of Latin America.

She has received two James Beard Awards. One for that book and one as chef of the Hoboken restaurant Cucharamama which closed in July, I'm sorry to say as the pandemic restrictions made its operations untenable. Maricel welcome to WNYC. Thank you so much for a little time and for the recipe that you're going to donate as a gift to our listeners today. Hi.

Maricel: Good morning. Thank you so much for having me in your show.

Brian: Are you able to get in the holiday spirit this year despite it all?

Maricel: Absolutely. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe not for me and my restaurant, but for so many other people who are struggling and needing help but with that assistance I think that we will see a revival in the restaurant world.

Brian: Oh, good. Well, that would certainly be something to look forward to. I see you emigrated from Cuba and you've studied the foods and cultures of all of Latin America. You wrote a book for children or maybe I should say for children of all ages.

Maricel: Exactly.

Brian: Tell us about it.

Maricel: Well that was my first book and actually my editor was Henry Holt who was a classmate of mine at NYU where I got my Ph.D. in Medieval history of all things. The book was really a great exercise in combining my two great loves, history and food because the foods of Christmas in the Hispanic Caribbean where I come from-- Balances of all the cultures, the layering of all the cultures that made our National identity. It was a great exercise to look at every dish on our Christmas table. Actually, I would say our Christmas Eve tables, which is Nochebuena.

This is the big event for us of the Christmas season and to see that every dish had a relationship with the people who lived in Cuba through centuries and created our national identity. I start with Medieval Spain actually because the traditions with Christmas that the Spaniards brought to the Hispanic Caribbean were Medieval. For example, I talk about the Marzipan and the Nougats that the Spanish cooks learned from Islamic kitchens and that's one of the highlights. Our Christmas Eve table is to have this beautiful platter full of wonderful Nougats Torrones, but then we have-

Brian: That's where that came from such a common-

Maricel: Absolutely.

Brian: -sweet treat in America across cultures and like know we know where Marzipan came from.

Maricel: Marzipan and Torrones Nougat Islamic. Embrace my Spanish cooks and this is something that the first thing that you look for when you go to a market preparing for Christmas Eve are Torrones. In my case, I have a beautiful platter of Torrones of different kinds from different parts of Spain, Marzipan, but also I have some beautiful craft chocolate. It could be from Latin America or from the US, but I just break the bars into little pieces and I add them to my beautiful platter.

You keep evolving, but some of these traditions will never die at least not with me. The mainstay of the Nochebuena, the Christmas Eve table for us is always roast pork. That's an old tradition. The Spaniards had brought pigs to Cuba. In fact, I have a handful that Diego Velázquez who's the Spaniard who conquered Cuba. There were 30,000 in 1514 and they were hunted down like wild boars in hunting parties called monterías. The pigs were slaughtered in the field and they were grilled like the Taino, Arawak Indians did.

They're grilling on green-wood grills over a fire with guava wood or spit roast it and so we still do that. Some people still do it on the grill and some people do spit roasting and now there's no contraction which is the Caja China. It's very resourceful invention of a box that works like an oven. You can do your spit-roasted pig in a different way in the back yard. I wanted to do it this year, but I don't think with the snow that we're having bad idea to do that.

Brian: Yes.

Maricel: That's amazing. I know we have that marinated, you know with the right Spanish sauce, but together with that we have yuca with mojo and I don't know if you are familiar with that? It's cassava. It's a good vegetable that is like corn for the people of Tropical America and that boils-

Brian: That's cassava.

Maricel: that's brought to the table with a table sauce that is delicious. Olive oil and garlic very Spanish. That's called mojo so it's yucca con mojo. It's never missing out of the Christmas Eve table. It's delicious but it's Taino and it's Spanish. Then we have rice and bean combination. Every country in the Hispanic Caribbean has a different dish. For example, green pigeon peas in Puerto Rico called Arroz con gandules, delicious. In our case, according to the part of Cuba where one comes from it could be rice and red kidney beans which is the dish of my hometown, Santiago de Cuba which is inspired basically by a Haitian dish and we call it Congri.

It's red kidney beans and rice. In the western provinces of Cuba, it's black beans and rice and that's called Moors and Christians. Moros y Cristianos. It's a constellation of different influences coming together at the table. We usually have an eggnog drink which is very typical of all of Latin America. We have different versions with different liquors. It could be Brandy, it could be cognac, in our case its Rum and our eggnog is called Creme de Vie. French name because we had French influence because of Haiti in our part of the country and it's delicious.

If you go to a Venezuelan home for Christmas it would be something called Ponche crema with cognac or Brandy. It's like the Mexican Rompope. We always had that. Delicious very thick and creamy. We toast with Creme de Vie, but at the same time, we also have Spanish cider on our Christmas table which is something, of course, that the Spaniards brought with them from Asturias. It has to be from Asturias.

If you look at the scene of this table is an education on the history of the Hispanic Caribbean and the mixed people that we are. I'm proud of it and what I love about having Christmas Eve at the center of the Christmas celebration is that the focus is family. It gives you time to breathe. The next day on Christmas since we're here in the United States we do something that we never did back in Hispanic Caribbean. We never had gifts on Christmas day.

Brian: Really?

Maricel: We had family gatherings, could be lunch. It could be-- start with a great breakfast with the leftovers from the day before.

Brian: But no gifts. It's like welcome to consumerist United States now you add the gifts?

Maricel: We have to adapt but at the same time because we do Christmas Eve, we don't have the pressure for the next day. In my family home back in Cuba usually at a farmhouse, beautiful farmhouse which is featured in my Christmas book for children, we always had turkey, but it was braised in a huge cauldron over a wood fire. It's something that I would never forget. I done it here. I replicated that with success, but we wait for the epiphany on January 6th for gifts. This is something that I believe in. In fact, I have been celebrating January 6th and giving gifts to my friends and family and to the children of my life. My two god-daughters now are used that their gifts are coming on January 6th. This is just perfect.

Brian: That is so great.

Maricel: Can you eat with your family. You work in the kitchen, you gather for this fabulous meal on Christmas Eve. You celebrate the season. If you dine earlier than midnight on Christmas Eve, you might have a beautiful cup of hot chocolate and go to Christmas mass, but you don't have the anxiety-

Brian: That is so great. Listeners, I hope you've been taking notes or you can always listen to this segment back later for some of the recipes that-- It's a good thing I do the show near the kitchen now from my home because I can go in-- Not that I have all those ingredients, but I have some of them.

Maricel: You might have all those ingredients. Our food is quite approachable because everything can be bought in an American supermarket right now and I could share maybe a Christmas Eve drink, like a Creme de Vie or any of the recipes in Gran Cocina Latina. Actually, in my little Christmas book for children, there are recipes that children can make.

Brian: That even children can make.

Maricel: I'll be delighted.

Brian: Maricel Presilla is the author of Gran Cocina Latina: The Food of Latin America and the children's book, Feliz Nochebuena, Feliz Navidad: Christmas Feasts of the Hispanic Caribbean. Here's to Cucharamama being able to reopen in Hoboken sometime in '21. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas to you.

Maricel: Thank you so much for your wishes. I really wish you happiness and health now and for next year and always.

Brian: And to you. Thank you so much. All right. Now listeners, to your 30-second audio holiday cards to your fellow listeners. We're going to start with Susan in Manhattan. Hi, Susan. You're on WNYC. Happy whatever you celebrate.

Susan: Hi, thank you. It's just a short poem. Dear, Brian, and listeners at years end. As this year goes thank God round the bend, I wish light and good cheer and a dove for Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa. One love.

Brian: Beautiful, Susan. Thank you very much. Gail in Queens. You're on WNYC. Hi, Gail. Happy whatever you celebrate.

Gail: Hi, Brian. Thank you. I actually don't celebrate any of the things you have mentioned but thank you for the wish. My postcard, my greeting card, is actually a blessing in three parts and it goes like this. "May you be healthy, prosperous, and free from conflict. May you give and receive love in abundance. May you experience your existence as being in paradise."

Brian: So wonderful, Gail. Thank you very much. Frederico in the city. You're on WNYC. Hi, Frederico. Happy whatever you celebrate.

Frederico: Season's greetings, fellow listeners. Congratulations and thanks for your great services, support, efforts, courage, convictions, vigor, vitality, durability, reliability, perseverance, patience, and understanding. Now, march on with me to 2021 as warriors against negativity, darkness, and despair. Au revoir 2020. It could have been worse, but thanks to you, it wasn't.

It will get better, happy, healthy, prosperous, fulfilling and community service focused. New Year greetings. Best regards. [unintelligible 00:13:45] Frederico.

Brian: Thank you so much, Frederico. That was awesome. Helen in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Happy whatever you celebrate.

Helen: Is that me?

Brian: That's you.

Helen: Okay. Hello, Brian and listeners. A wonderful, creative, imaginative way to celebrate. Here is a Japanese Tonka form poem. "The candles are lit in defiance of the dock, dradles are spun, songs are sung. As the candles turn to smoke, only memories remain."

Brian: Thank you so much, Helen. Listeners, when fighting your 30-second audio holiday cards to your fellow listeners as part of our Christmas Hanukkah Kwanzaa Solstice party of the air here on the Brian Lehrer show, 646-435-7280, 646-435-7280. Let's go next to Yevgenia. Did I say that right? In Manhattan. Happy whatever you celebrate, Yevgenia.

Yevgenia: That's me, right?

Brian: It is.

Yevgenia: I think you got my name wrong.

Brian: Fix it for me.

Yevgenia: My name is Yevgenia. I'm calling about Russian New Year. Basically, the USSR outlawed religion. New Year was proposed to replace Christmas. We have new year trees, we have Father Frost. He wears a long blue robe. He's tall, carries a large staff, but isn't fat, but he is jolly. He has a granddaughter named Snow Maiden that travels with him. Basically, it's a big party for us, but I know a lot of people are just wanting to watch some movies on New Year's so you can watch The Irony of Fate or have a nice bath. It's free on YouTube and has pretty decent subtitles. It's a Soviet comedy from the '70s. Thanks.

Brian: Nice. Thank you very much. Clara in Irvington. You're on WNYC. Now you got to tell us, Clara, Irvington, New York, or Irvington, New Jersey, or Irvington, Westchester or Irvington outside Newark.

Clara: Hi. Irvington, Westchester. Thank you. I have a quick poem. It goes like this. To all the folks at Brian Lehrer I wish you a happy and healthy 2021. At 17 online I learned reading about a future unknown. Like you'll never guess I'm Jewish, but secular. So my religious listening is out of character. Each morning my ears are drawn towards the Zeitgeist so well explained on WNYC. You and your team make New York a brighter place and I guess New Jersey too Irvington, New Jersey. Thank you all and I hope this gets on air.

Brian: It did.

Clara: It's a little clancy, you guys.

Brian: There you go. Not clancy at all. Clara in Irvington for the ages. Thank you, Clara, and hello Irvington. Hello, Fanwood where Dorothy is calling from New Jersey. Hi, Dorothy. You're on WNYC. Happy whatever you celebrate.

Dorothy: Hi, Brian. Wonderful show. I love listening to you.

Brian: Thank you.

Dorothy: My greeting card says, "Joy. Joy is a warm home, three meals a day, a lover, a close friend, a passion, a meaningful job. Joy is 2021."

Brian: Dorothy, thank you very much. Alfred in Jersey City. You're on WNYC. Happy whatever you celebrate.

Alfred: Thank you very much, Brian. Brian, this is the first verse of the song that I wrote this year. It's called Rise Up. There's peace in the valley, everyone can feel it. The air soft and warm. That's what we need to heal it. Gray clouds are partying, let the sunshine in peace and joy for everyone.

Brian: Thank you, Alfred. Last one for now, Emily in the Bronx. You're on WNYC. Hi, Emily. Happy whatever you celebrate.

Emily: Hi, Brian. Happy whatever you celebrate. I wrote a little song. I'm going to play it now. Is this me?

Brian: It is you. I'm all yours.

Emily: Okay, here I go.

[singing]

Brian: I'm embarrassed. [laughs]

Emily: Thank you, Brian. Don't be. Thank you so much.

Brian: Thank you so much, Emily. That was beautiful. It's the Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice party of the air on the Brian Lehrer show today. Since we can't have one in person this year, we thought we would do one on the radio. We have guests bringing you audio holiday gifts. We'll take more of your 30-second audio holiday calls to your fellow listeners a little later this hour. Since we played Bruce in Santa, I want to mention one more time what we're going to do tomorrow for part of the show.

Parents of young kids listen up. Tomorrow on the Brian Lehrer show, we have a really special guest. Santa Claus. We figured that since most of you can't bring your kids to see Santa in person this year at a store or at the mall, we would bring Santa here and your kids can call them up. Parents get ready to get your kids ready to call in with you tomorrow at around 11:35. It'll be the last segment in the show.

Right after Ask The Mayor, we're going to have Bill de Blasio followed by Santa Claus. That'll be our 11:00 o'clock hour tomorrow morning. Santa will start around 11:35 and go until noon. Fans, you can bring your kid to the phone when virtual Santa Claus visits the Brian Lehrer show at 11:35 tomorrow morning until noon here on WNYC. Right now we continue our holiday party with author and humorist David Sedaris. He has brought a gift of a Christmas themed story. It's from his new collection of his all-time best essays from over the last 30 years, aptly called The Best of Me or The Best of Me. Hey, David, welcome back to WNYC and welcome into our holiday party.

David Sedaris: Hi, Brian. That's so great. You're going to have Santa on the radio tomorrow. That's a fantastic idea.

Brian: The real Santa, of course. He's older, though. I understand. I thought he was going to have to be in quarantine, but he may be an essential worker who's getting one of those first vaccines?

David: [laughs] I think, yes. I think he should go right to the front of the line.

Brian: Yes. You've written a lot about Christmas yourself. Over the years, you have a famous story on this American life that a lot of listeners know about dressing up as a Santa's elf. What has made Christmas so fun to write about for you?

David: I think it's because everybody goes through it. It doesn't matter, even if you have a different faith you still have to endure Christmas. I say endure, I love Christmas.

Brian: [laughs]

David: Nobody loves it more. If you don't like Christmas, or if you don't celebrate Christmas, it's still there. Everything stops, you hear Christmas music everywhere you go, so you still have to deal with it. It's just one of those, not everybody has to deal with an appendectomy, say or not everybody has to deal with getting married, but everybody has to deal with Christmas. I think that's what makes it fun to write about.

Brian: That's a good way to look at it. By the way, I want to give a quick shout out to the woman who called up and sang her 32nd-holiday card maybe made me blush as part of it was to me as well as to all the listeners. We had her as caller Emily, but our crack research team who can figure out anything figured out that that was Emily Walton, who is in the Broadway show, Come From Away before Broadway shut down. She said her show her show shut down in March.

We figured out that that was Emily Walton from Come From Away. Emily, thank you again, that was really beautiful. Now, everybody knows who that good singer and piano player and songwriter was. I hope you get back on stage really quick, you've got a whole bunch of new fans out there. Many David Sedaris fans listening in right now. David, I gather you brought a story from your new collection called Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol, you want to set it up or just dive in?

David: Yes, sure. In 1995, I was under contract to write a number of Christmas stories for a book that I had coming out. Then, I was in France I remember, we had a bunch of New York magazines there, and I read a John Simon column. He was a theater critic for New York magazine for years and years. Not long ago, I was listening to an interview with Lilly Taylor.

She was saying when she first moved to New York, she did a play and got a horrible review from John Simon, and then it was called Being Simonized. I was Simonized on several occasions. He was just so mean and he hated everything. I just wondered what it would be like if he reviewed children's theater, specifically, holiday pageants that would take place in schools-

Brian: There's the Christmas hook.

David: -so I wrote this. Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol, trite Christmas, Scots fields young hams offer the blandest of holiday fare. The approach of Christmas signifies three things bad movies, unforgivable television, and even worse theater, I'm talking bone-crushing theater, the type our ancient ancestors used to oppress their enemies before the invention of the stretching rack.

We're talking torture on par with the Scot's field dinner theaters, 1994, Revival of Come Blow Your Horn, a production that violated every tenant of the human rights accord. To those of you who enjoy the comfort of a nice set of thumbscrews allow me to recommend either of the crucifying holiday place and pageants currently eliciting screams of mercy from within the confines of our local elementary and middle schools. I will no doubt be taken to task for criticizing the work of children.

As any pathologists will agree, if there's a cancer, it's best to treat it as soon as possible. If you happen to stand over four feet tall the agony awaiting you at Sacred Heart elementary began the moment you took your seat. These were mean little chairs corralled into a theater, haunted by the lingering stench of industrial-strength lasagna. My question is not why they chose to stage the production in a poorly disguised cafeteria, but why they chose to stage it at all.

The story of the first Christmas is an overrated clunker of a holiday pageant, best left to those looking to cure their chronic insomnia. Although the program listed no director, the apathetic staging suggested the limp, partially paralyzed hand of Sister Mary Elizabeth Bronson, who should have been excommunicated after last season's disastrous Thanksgiving program. Here again, the first through third graders graced the stage with an enthusiasm most children reserved for a smallpox vaccination.

One could hardly blame them their lack of vitality as a stingy uninspired script, consists not of springy dialogue, but rather of a deadening series of pronouncements. Mary to Joseph, "I am tired." Joseph to Mary, "We will rest here for the night." There's no fire no give and take. The audience soon grows weary of this passionless relationship.

The role of Mary six-year-old Shannon Burke just barely manages to pass herself off as a virgin. A cloying preening stage presence. Her performance seem based on nothing, but an annoying proclivity toward raising her skirt, and on rare occasion, opening her eyes. As Joseph second-grade student Douglas Cruisair, needing to be reminded that though his care did not technically impregnate the Virgin Mother, he should behave as though he were capable of doing so.

Thrown into the mix were a handful of inattentive shepherds and a trio of gift-bearing seven-year-olds who could probably give The Three Stooges a run for their money. As for the lighting, Sacred Heart enter elementary chose to rely on nothing more than the flashbulbs ignited by the obnoxious stage mothers and fathers who had created those zombies staggering back and forth across the linoleum floor dining hall.

Under certain circumstances, parental pride is understandable, but it has no place in the theatre, where it tends to encourage a child to believe in a talent that more often than not simply fails to exist. In order for a pageant to work, it needs to appeal to everyone regardless of their relationship to the actors on stage. This production found me on the side of the yawning cafeteria workers pointing to an oversized crate that served as a manger, one particularly insufficient Wiseman proclaimed a child is bored.

Yes, well, so is this adult. Once again, the sadist that this James Hernandez Middle School have taken up their burning pokers in an attempt to prod a Christmas Carol into some form of submission. I might have overlooked the shoddy production values and dry lead and pacing, but these are sixth graders we're talking about, and they should have known better.

There's really no point in adapting this Dickensian stinker, unless you're capable of looking beyond the novel's dime store morality and getting to what little theatrical meet the story has to offer. The point is to eviscerate the gooey center, but here it's served up as the entree and a foul putting it is. Most of the blame goes to the director 11-year-old Becky Michaels, who seems to have picked up her staging secrets from the school's crossing guard. She tends to clump her actors moving them only in groups of five or more.

A strong proponent of trendy racially mixed casting, Michaels gives us a blank Tiny Tim, leaving the audience to wonder, "What? Is this kid supposed to be adopted?" It's a distracting move wrongheaded and pointless. The role was played by young Lamar Williams, who if nothing else, managed to sustain a decent limp. The program notes that he recently lost his right foot to diabetes, but was that reason enough to cast him?

As Tiny Tim, the boy spends his stage time essentially trawling for sympathy, stealing focus from even the brightly lit exit sign, Bob Cratchit played here by the aptly named Benjamin Trite, seems to have picked up his cockney accent from watching a few videotaped episodes of Hi Ho, and Herschel Fleischman Scrooge was almost as lame as Tiny Tim. The set was not without its charm, but Jordi Lenins and bismol costumes should hopefully mark the end of a short and unremarkable career. I was gagging from the smell of spray painted sneakers and if I see one more top hat made from an oatmeal canister, I swear I'm going to pull out a gun.

The problem with both these shows stems partially from their maddening eagerness to please, with smile stretch tight as bungee cords, these hopeless amateurs prance and gambled across our local stages hiding behind their use and begging, practically demanding, we forgive their egregious mistakes. The English language was chewed into a paste, missed opportunities came and went and the sets were changed so slowly you'd think the stain chants were encumbered by full body cast.

While building themselves as holiday entertainment, neither of these productions came close to capturing the spirit of Christmas. This glaring irony seemed to escape the throngs of ticket holders who ate these undercooked turkeys right down to the bone. Here were audiences that chuckled at every technical snafu and applauded riotously each time a new character wandered out onto the stage. With the close of every curtain, they leapt to their feet in one ovation after another, leaving me wedged into my doll-sized chair and wondering, is it just them or am I missing something?

Brian: A very funny send up of-- You said John Simon, who died last year at the age of 94. I happen to know, but of theater critics everywhere, David Sedaris reading front row center with Thaddeus Bristol, even the children's Christmas Pageant can get ripped by those theater critics out there who think they're so superior to everybody else. I get it. Now, David Sedaris' new collection of essays is called the Best Of Me, and he's doing a real in-person live book signing tomorrow Friday at the Powerhouse Books and Industry City from 1:00 to 6:00 PM. You can RSVP by going to powerhousearena.com and clicking on events. Thanks so much David for coming on. That was hilarious. Happy Holidays.

David: Thanks, Brian. Merry Christmas. Bye.

Brian: It's the Brian Lehrer show, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, solstice party of the air, since nobody can have one in person this year, as we continue with guests bringing you audio holiday gifts. Up next, look who's here. It's Mave Higgins, comedian, and regular opinion writer for The New York Times who has brought a very unusual holiday gift. Hi, Mave. Welcome back to WNYC.

Mave Higgins: Thank you. Good morning. Hi, great to hear you.

Brian: You brought us a gift, questions from the US naturalization citizenship exam.

Mave: Yes, I'm calling it my quizmas gift, because it's a bit of a quiz, especially if you were born in America, because all of us immigrants, if we want to naturalize, we eventually have to take this test and they've just made it even harder.

Brian: Here's how we're going to play this, listeners. We are looking for one US-born person. This is I think one of the parting gifts of the Trump administration to make America confusing again. Let's see if you were born here, if you can answer these questions that are now required to become a naturalized American citizen. Who wants to play? Who's brave enough who thinks you know civics? Any American history professors want to call in?

Maybe you could set the bar a little lower than that, you don't have to be an American history professor, but if you think you could pass a citizenship exam for your own country where you were born and grew up, call in and we're going to play with Mave Higgins. 646-435-7280, 646-435-7280. We're just going to grab one of you, but maybe it will be you. If you want to do this, 646-435-7280.

You want to give us just like the 30-second version of the background on this? Is this really Donald Trump and Stephen Miller just making it harder for immigrants in yet another way?

Mave: It does have the Stephen Miller little ghoulish touch on it for sure. There are now 128 questions that you have to learn. That's up from 120. They've made it a little bit more political than it usually is. There's always been a test and there's tons of things that immigrants have to do to become part of the US. As you know, we have to watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey. That's on the test.

We have to agree to eat sweet food during the savory course at Thanksgiving, but on top of that, we have all these civics and history questions and things like what is Alexander Hamilton famous for, Brian? I'm sure you know he's famous because he's on Broadway.

Brian: That's right. I thought he's famous for being played by Lin Manuel Miranda. That's what he's famous for, and maybe being the first treasury secretary, but he's not so famous for that.

Mave: Right. That's starting a bit lower. Now, this isn't an easy test. In fact, one of our latest, Tommy Tuberville, he's a senator elect, he would have actually failed two of the questions. He recently got mixed up for the US's reasons for joining in in World War Two and he also got mixed up about what the three branches of government are.

Brian: Wow.

Mave: He's an elected of-- He did play football for a long time and from what I understand, that's a very American game and you get a lot of bashes to the head so maybe some civics fell out there, so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Oh, Brian, do you know--

Brian: The three branches of government, the three branches of government, that's Trump, Bar and Conway, right?

Mave: [laughs] Well, Bar is gone so I think it's just Ivanka. I think it's--

Brian: Conway is gone too. All right, Eugene in Weehawken is the brave soul who's going to take this five question quiz from the new US citizenship cheat exam.

Eugene: Five?

Mave: Yes, five, Eugene.

Brian: Five, Eugene, five. We're going to see what your percentage is after five. Okay? Are you ready? Mave, we have to do this quick just because we have other guests lined up. Okay?

Mave: Ready, Eugene?

Eugene: Yes.

Mave: Who does a US Senator represent?

Eugene: He represents the citizens of an individual state.

Mave: Correct. It used to be all people of the state. Now, it's changed to just the citizen. I don't know where that leaves me. Eugene, name one power that is only for the federal government.

Eugene: The Department of Environmental Protection.

Mave: No, I'm sorry, you're wrong. The federal government can print money, they can raise an army, or they can set foreign policy, but the EPA, as far as I know, it is part of the federal government, but it's been largely-- That's not the-

Brian: This is such a vague question. One power that is only for the federal government.

Eugene: Thank you, Brian.

Brian: It's one of the reasons we're doing this segment, to show how bad the question is. All right, Mave, give him a quick couple of examples of what they're looking for there.

Mave: You can regulate the mail, you can make a treaty, raise an army or print money.

Brian: Next question.

Mave: Eugene, name one example of American innovation.

Brian: That's another terrible question.

Eugene: NASA, the space program.

Mave: Well, one of the acceptable answers is something that the space program managed to do. Can you think of one thing? I'll give you a clue.

Eugene: They put a man on the moon.

Mave: Yes, exactly.

Brian: Wait, you mean they would accept the moon landing, which didn't really happen by the way, we covered that also, but the moon landing they would accept, but NASA and the space program they wouldn't?

Mave: They would just probably look at you blankly. You have to say the moon landing. You could say skyscrapers too, or you could say zapp's chips, I think, because those are American. Do we have time for one more question or else I don't know that Eugene is going to be allowed to stay in the country, honestly-

Brian: I think we're going to have to kick him-- Eugene, where were you really born?

Eugene: I was born in Plainfield, New Jersey.

Brian: Do you have a birth certificate to prove that?

Eugene: I don't know where it is.

Brian: I think you were. Well never mind. All right, last question.

Maeve: This one is tricky. Why does each state have two senators?

Eugene: Because for each state in the United States two senators represent the citizens from the state where we have 13 rep-- we have representatives that are based on population. The senators are based on individual states. Each state gets two.

Maeve: I will accept that. Yes, it's to ensure-

Eugene: Thank you.

Maeve: -equal representation.

Eugene: I just want to say that my mother's caregiver is from the Gambia and she is studying for the test. She has worked so hard, but she just learned that there's going to be new tougher questions so we're going to beef her up and we want her to pass.

Maeve: Okay.

Brian: That's good.

Maeve: Well, Eugene that's wonderful but listen you need to do your homework before you help this lady.

[laughter]

Brian: That's right because you know she's going to stay here-

Eugene: I got a two out of three.

Brian: I can see what's going to happen. She's going to wind up staying here and they're going to send you to Gambia. Eugene, thank you.

Eugene: Well, thank you.

Brian: Thank you very much.

Maeve: Good job and good luck to her.

Brian: Maeve Higgins, thank you very much. Always fun.

Maeve: Thank you. Happy holidays.

Brian: Maeve Higgins who you can see in the New York Times here on, wait, wait don't tell me, author and humorist.

[music]

Don: All right John it's happening.

John: I'm so excited.

Don: Let's do it. Here we go.

Both: On the first day of Christmas John John gave to me, endless days of quarantine.

Don: On the second day of Christmas John John gave to me, two latex gloves.

Both: Endless days of quarantine.

John: Third day of Christmas John John gave to me, three medical masks.

Don: Two latex gloves.

Both: Endless days of quarantine.

Brian: You get the idea. That's the duo, John and Don, with the endless days instead of the 12 days of Christmas, the endless days of quarantine. Got to have a little fun with our plight right? This is the Brian Lehrer show. Christmas, Hanukkah, Solstice, Kwanza party of the air since we can't have them in person in quarantine as we continue to bring on special guests bearing holiday gifts. With us now for another quiz is John Mcwhorter, Columbia University linguistics professor, host of the Lexicon Valley podcast at Slate, and contributing editor at The Atlantic. Hey John, thanks for coming out to play.

John Mcwhorte: Hi Brian happy to be here.

Brian: You've got a similar thing, right? Did you bring linguistics quiz questions? Is that what you've got here?

John: Well, I guess that is what I have in my bag, yes. Fun linguistics questions.

Brian: All right. Listeners, we're looking for somebody as brave as Eugene in Weehawken was on the citizenship stuff. If you think you know the English language. If you think you can conjugate a verb or use a colon versus a semicolon in the right place or other facility with written or spoken English call up. We're going to take one of you so the first person who calls up who's volunteering to play with John Mcwhorter and take this little holiday English language quiz they brought maybe we could require this for citizenship too John, make it really, really hard then we'd have to kick half the people out of the country who were born here. 646-435-7280. 646-435-7280. While we're getting somebody lined up you, want to try the first one on me?

John: Yes. Here's something. We're always saying goodbye. What does that mean? Good what? What's a bye? You know that you use it to take leave, but where does goodbye come from? If you're going to make English up from the ground up, that isn't what you would say when you took your leave of someone. What's goodbye? That's the first question.

Brian: I never thought about this one. Bye, so you can go by the wayside. You can go by somewhere. It's like you're traveling. It signifies moving so good as you transition from here to there that's my wild guess.

John: [laughs] you know how that-- You would think that but you can also tell that's not quite it. Kind of bye what? You wouldn't make it up that way and it's actually a very interesting etymology so to speak and you get hints of it if you read too much Shakespeare, but I don't know if I'm supposed to give it away yet.

Brian: Yes, give it away. Give it away.

John: Goodbye, is God be with you said too many times.

Brian: Oh, wow.

John: If you think about it, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye and it's still written that way in some Shakespeare with apostrophes that show what it was still processed as being, but now we just say goodbye. It's just this undigested chunk.

Brian: Too much eggnog at Christmas and then you're saying, "God be with you" and it comes out, "Goodbye."

John: Goodbye. Pretty soon kids this year-

Brian: Jason in Brooklyn is going to take your other questions. Jason, you're on WNYC with John Mcwhorter. Hi, Jason.

Jason: Hi Brian. Hi, John great to be on.

John: Hi Jason.

Brian: Jason thinks he knows English John, what you got for him?

John: Well it's not about English actually, but it's a fun question. Anyone-

Jason: Oh, no.

John: -which is this hieroglyphics where people are standing there striking those angular poses and you see it at the Met et cetera. What language is the hieroglyphics? What language are the hieroglyphics indicating?

Jason: Ancient Egyptian. I've drawn a blank on what exactly. [laughs]

John: It doesn't sound like it.

Jason: Oh God, it's on the tip of my tongue. [laughs] it's on the tip of my tongue. I know it's ancient Egyptian, I'm blank on what exactly the term is. I'm going to be kicking myself I know it.

John: You know that's close enough because it is. It's the Egyptian language as opposed to Arabic.

Brian: I was going to get that right. I was going to say Egyptian. I didn't know goodbye and Jason didn't know Egyptian. All right, give him another one.

John: Well he kind of did. Yes, he got it.

Brian: Give him another one.

Jason: Awesome.

John: Here's another one. A, B, C, D, E, F, and so on why is 'H' pronounced that way. Shouldn't it be something like "hee or haa." You've got K, L, M, N, P you know why not "hey" or something. Why "aitch." Where that come from? That one's a little hard.

Jason: Well.

John: It doesn't fit.

Jason: Well, they are hard consonants but I'm not sure exactly where it came from.

John: It's out of place and it's just something that we should think about more because it's just so important to our lives to understand these sorts of things.

Brian: I have a friend from Ireland who says, "Haitch."

John: Exactly. People do say, "Haitch" and there the question becomes, "What's all this "aitch" part" but why don't we say, "haitch" for example. That's the issue. It's a very-

Jason: Is it like that hard British pronunciation?

John: Say that again?

Jason: Is it a hard UK British isles pronunciation that we didn't quite pick up on?

John: Partly it's that story and the 'H' sound is fragile and so some people will say, "Aitch" but then other people will say, "Eitch." Actually, what happened is that in Latin it was, "Aka" "Aha." That's what it was and so that makes a certain sense. You have "Aga," "Aha," "Ala," they said "Aha." After a while you might say, "Akha." You can imagine say a Slavic person saying, "Akha." That's how sounds change. After a while 'H' can become just 'K' so you have "Aka." Then 'K' becomes "Ch" and so you have "Atch" and the 'A' drops off the end. Then the 'A' becomes the-

Jason: Interesting.

John: let's say 'H'. That's how we got "aitch." It was just this weird step by step process. It starts with the Romans and now we say, "aitch" and we don't even think about it but really we should be saying, "Hee" or "Hey" and we're just stuck with it. After a while, some people over on the other side of the pond thought, "Well, if this is supposed to be about 'H' why don't we say, "haitch" so they added it. Is how it really happened.

Brian: Jason thank you very much you did great. You get to stay in the country too.

Jason: Perfect, thank you so much I appreciate that.

Brian: Thank you very much and we leave it there with John Mcwhorter, Columbia University linguistics professor, host of the Lexicon Valley podcast at Slate, and contributing editor at The Atlantic with his holiday gift for all of you of language questions for you to try to answer. John this was really fun thank you for coming out to play.

 

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