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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. For the end of the show today, we'll turn to another of those viral trends that we talk about sometimes that are cropping up everywhere it seems from in this case, threads on X, formerly Twitter, to TikTok reels to lengthy conversations on Reddit. Have you seen this one? It's called The Eldest Daughter Effect. It's about how oldest daughters so often shoulder the burden for their parents and siblings. They feel responsible for everyone's well-being and stay on top of household tasks, for example. Here's one funny example of an eldest daughter on her mom's birthday speaking with her brother.

Speaker 2: What the ---!

Speaker 3: Good morning sibling.

Speaker 2: Are you wearing a headlamp?

Speaker 3: You know what day it is?

Speaker 2: Wednesday.

Speaker 3: It's mom's birthday.

Speaker 2: It's 5:00 AM.

Speaker 3: Exactly. We're already late.

Speaker 2: What do you need from me?

Speaker 3: Nothing. I did it all already.

Speaker 2: Then why did you wake me up?

Speaker 3: Well, I just needed you to know that I did everything already.

Brian Lehrer: Yes, so now we'll open up the phones for eldest daughters to call in and share with being the oldest sibling, especially the oldest girl sibling means to you. 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. What is being the eldest daughter mean in your life? What roles do you play in your family that feel like an eldest daughter effect? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. Eldest daughters, we've never done this as a group before, the call in is for you.

Now, a lot of the content online is pretty funny, but some also addresses how this dynamic influences all the other aspects in an eldest daughter's life, from their friendships, to romantic relationships, to even work relationships and career choices. Here's one eldest daughter on TikTok already making an assumption about what type of career other eldest daughters have gone into.

Speaker 4: If you are an oldest daughter, what helping profession did you go into and why?

Brian Lehrer: [laughs] That's just six seconds, but you hear the implication there. It's not even an implication, it's a statement. If you're an oldest daughter, which helping profession did you go into and why? Does that sound like you? 212-433-WNYC. One eldest daughter on X posted, “First gen immigrant eldest daughter turned mother, I was really destined to be a project manager for life.” Not exactly what we usually think of as a helping profession, but still you get the idea, it's in that lane, project manager.

Any other eldest daughters out there that notice how that status in your family might've played into your career choices, which helping professions or project manager professions did you go into and why? 212-433-9692. To expand on that last one, what about first-generation immigrant eldest daughters in particular? How is this dynamic the same or different for you, if you've given this any thought? What is your culture or your parents' culture say about how an eldest daughter should behave?

What her responsibilities let's say to those immigrant parents and the rest of the family are, and have you accepted that role or balked at it? 212-433-9692. One more clip, 10 seconds. Being an eldest daughter might've meant that you helped raise your younger siblings. Some eldest daughters have added to the viral trend saying that it's influenced their decision to not have kids. Listen.

Manifestelle: A lot of eldest daughters do not want children of their own because you've been parentified. You don't even have children of your own anymore. You're done. You already raised children. You had the experience and it wasn't fulfilling.

Brian Lehrer: And it wasn't fulfilling. Manifestelle on TikTok. Eldest daughters, did raising your siblings change your attitude toward having kids of your own? Do you feel like you've put in the work of raising kids already? You are done, you're ready for the next phase of life, 212-433-WNYC. Romantic relationships is a whole other category, but in general, eldest daughters, do you feel like you are living the eldest daughter effect? Jane in Westfield. Jane, you're on WNYC. Hello?

Jane: Oh, I laughed so hard when I got this message this morning that you were having this. I'm the oldest of eight children, World War II baby, went to Roman Catholic School, and there were other oldest sisters as well. I really enjoyed taking care of the little kids. I didn't mind that at all. What I missed was the attention of my parents because they were busy too.

I also have a younger sister, 15 months younger, who was more serious, and was more the disciplinarian and I was able to enjoy the kids more, I think. I had only one of my own children. When I had a chance to get my master's, because going to college was reserved for the boys, because they were going to have to support a family. I got a master's in social work when I was in my 50s. I couldn't help myself.

Brian Lehrer: You are the helping professions lane as an eldest daughter too?

Jane: Yes, absolutely. It was either that or nursing or teaching, and most of my friends went into those fields.

Brian Lehrer: Jane, thank you very much. There's an eldest daughter. Cecilia in Highland Park is another one. Cecilia, you're on WNYC. Thanks for calling in.

Cecilia: Hi. Thanks, Brian. I love, love, loved you and love your show. I was the eldest daughter, the second oldest in a family of nine kids who lived. My mother actually birthed 10 kids and none of the boys have children. All of the girls except for me have children. I'm the only one and so what I'm missing right now is grandchildren. I would have loved to have that, but I was missing that middle ingredient.

Brian Lehrer: Well, if you're comfortable talking about it, was your not having kids a choice after having that role as the eldest of nine growing up?

Cecilia: Well, I was taking birth control pills for a while and then I finally got off of them, but my first husband, we were in the process of breaking up. He did not like the idea of having kids but warmed up to it when all of our friends were having kids. Then that passed because I separated from him. Oh and just on another interesting note, I was at a folk festival about two weeks ago and you know Christine Lavin?

Brian Lehrer: Uh-huh.

Cecilia: Yes, so she was there and she's telling this story. She's doing this Password and [unintelligible 00:07:15] not all these Passwords, which apparently are her Passwords. I caught 52 and I went up to her and I said-- oh and she also said she was the fourth of nine kids. I went up and said, "I'm one of nine kids as well.” I was born in '52 and she looked at me and she goes, "It's like I'm looking in the mirror," which was hysterical because we don't look anything alike.

Brian Lehrer: That's funny. Nice to have Christine Lavin say that to you. Cecilia, thank you very much. Christine in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Hi Christine.

Christine: Hi. I wanted to say that I'm an eldest daughter and I'm married to a youngest son. I think that is one element of the dynamic that produces an unequal labor situation. I love my husband and he wants the labor to be more even, but it just never is. I think that might be one element at play. This resonated for me.

Brian Lehrer: Yes, a youngest is, I guess you're saying, used to be the one who's taken care of.

Christine: Exactly.

Brian Lehrer: Christine, thank you very much. Good insight. Debbie in Newark, you're on WNYC. Debbie, I see you told our screener that you are the TikTok meme. Yes?

Debbie: Yes, absolutely. Those TikToks crack me up because it is describing me almost to a T. I am the oldest daughter, oldest of four and definitely just the one who needs to be in control, organized. The helping profession I went into is education. I’m on a break right now. I just had to call in because I thought it was too funny.

Brian Lehrer: I love when teachers call on your prep periods. This is considered a break from the world to listen to the show for a few minutes. Debbie, thank you very much. Yes, sounds like you. Good luck out there back in the classroom. Laura in Manhattan, you're on WNYC. Laura, thank you for calling in.

Laura: Thank you. I just want to say very quickly, you and your show are a national treasure. I so appreciate you.

Brian Lehrer: You're too kind.

Laura: Thank you for taking the call. Yes, I'm an eldest daughter. I have three younger siblings and I quite enjoyed being the oldest for a while, helping them and teaching them, but things went south very quickly in our family when we were young for a number of reasons. My parents went into a real decline emotionally and physically, and we became a very, very dysfunctional household. As the eldest, I felt that I had to protect all of my siblings and take care of them, and keep things straight in the house.

It was a tremendous- -burden because I found myself fighting with my parents, my father in particular. If he were hurting my brothers physically, I would dash into the room and I would try to distract him. Very many times, it worked and he would chase me. God help me if he caught me, which he did on a number of occasions.

It really, really is something that even today in my advanced years, I feel because trauma embeds something in you. The force is so brutal that it embeds you with feelings and it's very hard to let them go, because I still feel every day of my life an anxiety. I've only recently come to realize that that's what's going on, that I deeply need to save them. I'm still doing that-

Brian Lehrer: it's a heavy story.

Laura: -and that it's not possible.

Brian Lehrer: Do you think that that has affected your choices as an adult romantically or professionally or any way?

Laura: I never thought of that before. I decided not to have children at an early age. As I began to go into that, I began to think, yes, but not in the way that you've been asking and the fact that I saw the world as very bleak, and very violent, and very extraordinarily painful. Yes, at an early age, I thought, no, I will never have children because I never want them to experience this extreme situation that I'm in.

Brian Lehrer: We talked about long COVID in our last segment. You're talking about long trauma.

Laura: That's right.

Brian Lehrer: Laura, thank you very much. Melanie in South Ozone Park, you're on WNYC. Hi Melanie.

Melanie: Hi. Thanks for having me. For me, eldest child syndrome or eldest daughter syndrome came up when I had my firstborn and I wasn't sure how to play with him. I remember asking my mom did she play with me when I was little? She said to me, "Honestly, you really never got a chance to be the baby," because I must have been about 18 months old when she was pregnant with my sister. I'm the oldest of four children. Not surprisingly, I'm a VP of human resources. That was my helping profession.

Brian Lehrer: That's really something. HR, that makes sense, and not knowing how to teach your own first child how to play, because as the oldest, you weren't allowed to be the kid who played. How'd you realize it? How'd you get over it?

Melanie: How did I realize that? It was really intentional in sitting down and getting down on the floor and there was no muscle memory as far as how do we do this? We went to a lot of playgroups that I could watch other moms mirror that behavior with their kids.

Brian Lehrer: Melanie, thank you so much for your call. Really appreciate it. I think people probably learned from that story like from a number of stories we've been getting. Leslie in Houston, you're on WNYC. Hi Leslie.

Leslie: Hi Brian. I love you so much. I also want to say I've listened to you my whole life. I'm originally from New York, recently transplant to Houston. I am probably different than anyone who's spoken before me that I am the oldest daughter and the only daughter between two siblings. I have two brothers.

Brian Lehrer: You have an older brother and a younger brother.

Leslie: I have an older brother who's seven years older than me and then have a younger brother.

Brian Lehrer: I don't even know how the theory is supposed to work if you're the eldest daughter, but not the eldest child, but go ahead. What about in your case?

Leslie: I feel like it hit to a T, the TikTok, the meme, everything that was stated before in terms of, I would like to say the positive aspects. I feel so honored really to be the oldest sister. I feel like I'm so prepared, maybe too prepared model. It helped me for my own family going forward. I'm also an educator. I just wanted to say that and I love the segment.

Brian Lehrer: Leslie, thank you.

Leslie: I feel like it's an appreciation for sisters. Thank you.

Brian Lehrer: It definitely is an appreciation and we so appreciate that we still have your ears after you moved to Texas. That's The Brian Lehrer Show for today. Eldest daughters, thank you for calling in and sharing your stories. I feel like we just started a conversation there that in some cases, for those of you who hadn't seen those viral social media memes might raise something you haven't thought about.

If that starts some conversation with others in your life about who you are, happy to have been helpful in that way. Anyway, thank you for your wonderful calls. That is The Brian Lehrer Show for today. Produced by Mary Croke, Lisa Allison, Amina Srna, Carl Boisrond and Esperanza Rosenbaum. Zach Gottehrer-Cohen produces our Daily Politics podcast. Our intern, this term is Muskan Nagpal. We had Milton Ruiz at the audio controls--

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