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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC, and we're going to wrap up for our last 15 minutes today with something completely different, hooked to a different kind of news story than you usually see. It's about former Mayor Bill de Blasio and his wife Chirlane McCray separating after roughly 29 years of marriage but continuing to live together, and apparently, even as they see other people. Listeners, we want to know if they are unique. Anybody listening, ever been separated from your spouse or partner but still live with them, and while you're seeing other people? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692.

Again, are you now or have you ever been separated from your spouse or partner but still live together, and even when you're dating other people? Call or text 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. Maybe you saw that Bill and Chirlane announced their separation through a personal interview with The New York Times published yesterday, citing strains on their marriage inflicted by De Blasio's tumultuous political career, among other reasons, including two terms as mayor of New York City as well as a shaky bid for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2020.

Chirlane McCray expressed her "deep skepticism" of his presidential run, stating, "I thought it was a distraction," which was a sentiment expressed by many constituents at the time too. The former mayor humbly agreed in this New York Times article saying, "Kind of true. Point for Chirlane,"

Listeners, are you taking a break from your marriage, or have you ended your marriage completely but decided to maintain your family unit and continue living together without giving too much information? We don't have to do TMI here. That's unsafe for the radio if you know what I mean. What was the straw that broke the camel's back, but not so much that one of you moved out or you both moved out to new places? 212-433-WNYC.

De Blasio also mentioned the stress of the COVID-19 pandemic factoring into the end of their marriage. Maybe some of you can relate. Though I know I've heard about couples who broke up at the height of the pandemic after being isolated together like that but also were in no position to split up their household. It was hard to go see places at the height of isolation that you might potentially rent or buy. It was just more stressful to leave, so there were couples who were maybe kind of stuck together for a while in that respect.

Listeners, tell us your stories in this regard. Have you ever broken up with your partner or spouse and stayed together anyway under the same roof even if you were dating other people? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692.

I mentioned that the two of them are both looking to date new people. McCray joked about printing their phone numbers in the Times article with the purpose of advertising themselves to potential suitors. De Blasio played along, asking if the paper would print a photo of himself at the gym, quickly following the quip with an expression of disinterest in meeting people on dating apps, sharing that he's not a believer in online dating. Well, maybe that's generational, I don't know, but according to the article, a photo of the couple in Times Square on New Year's Eve still greets visitors, which may come to include suitors as they enter the home.

Listeners, who has a story like this? Are you currently dating while still living with your former spouse or other romantic partner? Any advice for Bill de Blasio and Chirlane McCray as they enter into this phase of their family unit? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. Give us a call. You can send a text message. We'll hear some of your stories right after this.

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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Now to your stories or advice for Bill de Blasio and Chirlane McCray on staying together under the same roof while not being a couple anymore, and dating other people. Some text messages that are coming in are pretty blatant. One says, "Yes, I did that. Don't do it." Then all in caps, "It's a nightmare. Move out and start your own life; your new life." Then another one that has some caps in it as well says, "My ex-husband and I tried taking a break from the marriage while living together. It did not work. When I dated someone, it was like having my dad waiting at the door when I got back home. I do not recommend it."

Then again, Jack in New Milford may have a different kind of story. Hi, Jack. You're on WNYC. Thanks for calling up.

Jack: Good morning, Brian. How are you?

Brian Lehrer: Good. Tell us your story.

Jack: My story was we got divorced, and for family reasons, financial reasons we decided to stay in the same house together for another year. We did not sleep in the same room, but in a bizarre kind of way, it was better than being married because there were no really long-term commitments and we knew that. We did not date, but it all stayed cordial because we knew we weren't tied together for much longer.

Brian Lehrer: Jack, thank you very much. Catherine in Bay Ridge has a story, I think. Hi, Catherine. You're on WNYC. Thanks for calling in today.

Catherine: Hi. Thanks for taking my call. Yes, I just wanted to chime in. My boyfriend of about four years and I broke up at the start of the pandemic in March of 2020. We didn't really have anywhere to go and couldn't afford to move out and live on our own, so we stayed as roommates and friends living together in a small one-bedroom. Then about two years ago, we decided to find another apartment, a two-bedroom, so three years later we're still living together as friends and roommates. I'm seeing someone else in a good relationship. It's sort of weird, but not weird at all in some ways, so we have done pretty well.

Brian Lehrer: Your ex can handle it?

Catherine: Yes. He's totally supportive. He's been dating on his own too. We talk as friends now. It's, I know, very unconventional but somehow it worked out for both of us. I guess my advice for anyone else is you just have to be friends and work through it. It helps if you're friends, to begin with.

Brian Lehrer: Catherine, thank you very much. All right, Bill, all right, Chirlane, hope you're friends, to begin with. Sounds like you probably are. Johanna in Philadelphia, you're on WNYC. Hi, Johanna.

Johanna: Hi. My partner of 19 years and I split up recently and neither of us can afford to move out, so we are cohabitating for at least a couple of months. We're already polyamorous, so we have experience with seeing other people and being kind to one another in that regard. The goal is to remain friends and keep that friendship for as long as possible, so cohabitating while we figure out a separation has been really dynamic territory.

Brian Lehrer: It's temporary in your case. That's why you figure out how and when to physically separate, right?

Johanna: Yes. It's temporary, but so far going okay.

Brian Lehrer: You're learning a lot, it sounds like, from this phase of your relationship.

Johanna: Yes. It's an interesting thing to try to separate what partnership looks like from friendship while still living together and figure out what expectations we have of one another and how we both try to make our own lives but still try to maintain the friendship that we have.

Brian Lehrer: Johanna, thank you so much for sharing your story. Another text message just came in. "My niece in South Florida just did that for several years. Extremely confusing and stressful for their young son." In fact, I think our next caller, Sean in Brooklyn, is the child of parents who are doing that. Hi, Sean. You're on WNYC. Do I have that right?

Sean: Yes, you have that right. Can you hear me?

Brian Lehrer: I can hear you.

Sean: Hello?

Brian Lehrer: Yes.

Sean: My parents have been divorced for like seven years but they've been living together, and weirdly enough they also work together. [chuckles] I don't think they're almost dating anybody else besides their [unintelligible 00:09:21]. They're not dating. They live in separate rooms. Also, everything financial, they would half and half. They're basically just friends or roommates, and also business partners, but-- Yes. I guess for the-- Sorry. Go on.

Brian Lehrer: I was just going to ask, why did they decide to keep living together?

Sean: I think for the most part is financial reasons. We're sort of the working class. The only thing they have is this house they live in, so they didn't want to split half and half, I'm guessing. Other than that--

Brian Lehrer: What's this been like for you?

Sean: All my friends and family have known for years. They always ask-- [chuckles] They just find it strange, and I don't know what to say. For me, it just never seemed like they ever divorced. The worrying thing about me is that I wish they would at least date other people. Because I just find it-- For me, it's very difficult to live with your ex and [laughs] be friends with them.

Brian Lehrer: Right. You wish they would have the opportunity to have more love relationships in their lives, yes?

Sean: Yes. Again, very strange. [chuckles]

Brian Lehrer: Which could then make it much more strange if they're continuing to try to live together. Sean, thank you very much. Josh in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi, Brian. It's really interesting listening to the previous callers and hearing the economic impetus for doing something that might be unusual or awkward. I've stayed together with-- My wife, we separated when our daughter was about six or seven and decided to stay living together, mostly because we were both so committed to being parents who were lucky enough to-- We have a two-family in Brooklyn, actually not too far from where Bill de Blasio lives.

The driving motivation for me was to reduce conflict but to be there for my daughter. I didn't want her to be away from either one of us because we've had the space for it. It can be a little rough sometimes but we have found our way.

Brian Lehrer: Yes. I guess it takes a special kind of enlightenment, maybe is the right word, on the part of both parents to stay together like that when they're no longer a couple for the sake of the child.

Josh: Yes. I think that's exactly right. [chuckles] I would go on to say that at different times, either one of us may have more or less enlightenment than the other. What I would offer to people thinking about doing it is it definitely will put a damper on the potential for meeting other people and pursuing something else that's satisfying and intimate.

Brian Lehrer: Are you both dating or have you given that up for the sake of making this arrangement work more easily?

Josh: The pandemic kind of put that to rest for a while. Previously, we had sort of like a don't ask, don't tell arrangement, and things that we did we did outside of the house. We're pretty good about respecting each other's boundaries, but right now, as far as I know, nobody is dating.

Brian Lehrer: All right. Thank you very much for sharing your experience, Josh. I don't think we're going to have time to do another caller justice, so I'll read one last text message here. This says, "Cohabitating after a breakup is the great New York City experience. We had a rent-stabilized unit that I had acquired," ah, the golden handcuffs, "and we waited almost two years until I could make a co-op purchase and move out. I was okay with his dating, but he threw a major tantrum when I started dating later on." Of course. There you go.

Well, Bill and Chirlane, Bill former weekly guest on this show, if you happen to be listening today, or Chirlane, who's been an occasional guest, maybe some of our callers had some useful experiences or advice that you can learn from, and it'll help you in this new phase of your relationship, now acknowledged in The New York Times.

Listeners, thanks for these personal stories and calling in. Hopefully, it was good-- No, not just good listening, but useful for anybody who might be in some unusual situations. That's The Brain Lehrer Show for today. Produced by Mary Croke, Lisa Allison, Amina Srna, Carl Boisrond, and Esperanza Rosenbaum. Zach Gottehrer-Cohen produces our daily politics podcast. Stay tuned for Alison.

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