[music]

Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. We'll end today with part two of our call-in on your biggest flops and fiascos, your epic fails that make good stories, and that hopefully, you can laugh about now in conjunction with an event coming up on May 15th at our ground-floor theater, The Greene Space. Why in conjunction with our theater, The Greene Space? Well, The Greene Space has the theater group, The Civilians, as their artists and residents right now, and they'll be doing an evening of songs at The Greene Space on Monday, May 15th, songs that The Civilians make up based on, you guessed it, people's stories of fiascos and flops.

Flops and fiascos, your epic fails in your personal life or at work. Now, for those of you who didn't hear Tuesday's show, we had part one which was flops and fiascos in your personal life, anything outside of work. The Civilians promised to choose one of your calls, one of your stories, and put it to music for today's show as kind of a preview of what they'll be doing a whole evening of at The Greene Space. We're going to present that song here in just a minute.

If you heard Tuesday's show, I bet you can guess which one they chose. First, I want to get the phones going as we invite you in for part two, your biggest flops and fiascos in your job. Now, before I even give out the phone number, let me say we really want your big public failures and flops. We're talking about your epic fails in front of people that hopefully you can laugh about now. We're looking for the best true stories of epic public fails related to work. Who's got a good one? 212-433-WNYC. 212-433-9692.

Who's got a good story of a pretty big flop or fiasco in your professional life of any kind? 212-433-9692. Better yet, if it happened in public in some way. Now, I'll bring on Steve Cosson, artistic director of The Civilians, back on with me to debrief Tuesday, play the song they wrote, and for him to help take your calls with your epic fails, your flops and fiascos at work. Hi, Steve. This has been too much fun so far. Thanks for coming back on.

Steve Cosson: Oh, good. A lot of fun for me too.

Brian Lehrer: I know everyone wants to hear the song, but help us with today's prompt a little first. What kind of big public flops and fiascos are you hoping for today as fodder for more songs for The Greene Space event?

Steve Cosson: Well, I think thinking about the workplace every moment of your professional life is like going on stage. If this helps, the word flop refers to a performance, a theater show that goes terribly wrong. Fiasco, in fact, is old theater slang for the exact same thing. When have you felt as if you were Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark in your real life, putting lots and lots of effort into something and then having it fail miserably in front of everyone? That's what we want.

Brian Lehrer: I have an example that popped into my head. Comedian John Mulaney once told a story on The Tonight Show about the first time he had a big part on Saturday Night Live. He was just an extra, and he only had two lines to deliver. One at first, then he walked off stage, and another one a short time later, one line. He was so busy backstage celebrating his first line, his debut on Saturday Night Live, that he forgot to come out on time for his second line.

Steve Cosson: Oh, no.

Brian Lehrer: This on-stage public fiasco was being five seconds late for a line on his first Saturday Night Live appearance. That was a story I saw John Mulaney tell on television.

Steve Cosson: That's great.

Brian Lehrer: All right, listeners, we're inviting your big public failures and flops on stage or anywhere else. We're talking about your epic fails in front of people that hopefully you can laugh about now. We're looking for the best true stories that The Civilians might make a song out of for their event at The Greene Space on Monday, May 15th. Who's got a good one? 212-433-WNYC. 212-433-9692.

As your calls are coming in, now we'll play the song that Steve and friends made from one of Tuesday's callers. We'll play part of the original call and then Steve, your musical version. The caller was Aaron in Brooklyn, and here's part of the original.

Aaron: I was looking for a cheap alternative to housing, and I bought a $10,000, $9,000 houseboat in Maryland and drove it up to New York City where I parked it in Hoboken. One day, I was going to fill the tanks with gas. I had three or four friends on the boat with me, and we set out into the Hudson River just to fill up the tanks, you know, and get a little-- get a little lunch maybe in Jersey City. Well, we lost an engine halfway in the middle of the river.

All of a sudden, I lose control of the boat and we just start sort of half-moon shaping. It's a twin-screw 1986 Gibson Standard houseboat, and I can't control the thing. All of a sudden, I'm drifting closer and closer to Manhattan, and what do you know? We just start whacking into Pier 26 and smashing into the Frying Pan with hundreds of inebriated partygoers at the Frying Pan, just filming and taking pictures as we just sort of continue to just get smashed into the Pier.

We start floating north into a little cluster of sailing vessels, some sailboats, and all of a sudden, there's this sailing school instructor, what I presume is one on the megaphone, shouting, "Get the heck away from the boats." It's just a full-on fiasco.

Brian Lehrer: How did it end?

Aaron: I'm barking orders at my friends to push us away. We're floating in the midst of these sailboats, and I ended up calling a wonderful man, Dano, who charged across the river with a little tender and pulled my butt out of there. I don't believe we damaged any boats, miraculously, although, you know, laughing stock of the river for the day.

Brian Lehrer: At least that. Did you live on the houseboat?

Aaron: I did for about three, three and a half years, and then Hurricane Sandy actually kind of tanked that endeavor. I took all my belongings off the boat for Hurricane Sandy and everything got flooded in the marina. And then none of the marinas were really livable at that point, and so I sold the boat for, you know, pennies on the dollar.

Brian Lehrer: That was a real caller from Tuesday's show, Aaron in Brooklyn with a wrecked-up houseboat. What a fiasco. Steve, you want to set up this musical version for us? Who made what here?

Steve Cosson: Sure. Well, all of this was made by Robert Johanson, who is sitting here to my right. I sent him the transcript of the call, he listened to it, wrote something, and recorded it yesterday. It's a 24-hour turnaround musical. Robert, do you want to say hello?

Robert Johanson: Hey, I'm Robert. Yes, I got the transcript I guess pretty much yesterday morning and just spent the whole day composing this mini-opera of the fiasco.

Brian Lehrer: Here we go. Houseboat Fiasco musical version from The Civilians.

MUSIC - Houseboat Fiasco: The Civilians

So I was looking for a cheap alternative to housing

And I bought a 10, $9,000 houseboat in Maryland

So I drove it up to New York City and parked it down in Hoboken

And one day I was going to fill the tanks of gas

I had three or four friends on the boat with me

And we set out on the Hudson River just to fill up the tanks

Just to fill up the tanks, you know, and get a little, get a little lunch maybe, in Jersey City

Get ourselves a nice beautiful lunch in Jersey City

But we lost the engine halfway in the middle of the river

And all of a sudden, I lose control of the boat

I just can't control the thing

And all of a sudden, I'm drifting closer and closer to Manhattan

And what do you know?

We just start whacking into Pier 26 and smashing into the Frying Pan With hundreds of inebriated partygoers

Just filming and taking pictures as we just sort of continue to just get smashed into the Pier

We just get smashed into the Pier

We start floating north into a little cluster of sailing vessels

The sailing school instructor what I presume is one is on the megaphone shouting

"Get the heck away from the boat." "Get the heck away from the boat."

I'm barking orders at my friends to push as away

We're floating in the midst of these sailboats

And I ended up calling a wonderful man, Dano, who got my little butt out of there

I kept the boat for about three, three more years

Then the Hurricane Sandy kind of tanked that endeavor

I took all my belongings off of the boat

And everything got flooded in the marina

And I sold the boat for, you know, pennies on the dollar

Pennies on the dollar

Brian Lehrer: [chuckles] Pennies on the dollar as it ends just as the call ended. Robert Johanson there from The Civilians along with their artistic director, Steve Cosson. Robert, how hard was that to do in a day and what's the context that you might perform that live at The Greene Space show? What else will people see and hear that's sort of like that if they go on May 15th?

Robert Johanson: To write it in a day was a bit wild but also fun. I got the piece and just decided where are these shifts within it to make it work as a dramatic piece as well. I think at the show, I may perform that with live instruments or maybe with a track depending on who we end up getting.

Brian Lehrer: It sounded to me like you used only the real words that the caller had actually spoken.

Robert Johanson: Oh, yes. I cut some stuff within it, but I tried to keep to the actual words instead of changing it into lyrics.

Brian Lehrer: All right. We're going to take a break and then we're going to come back and we're going to feed you to even more stories. The topic you came up with, flops and fiascos, that was personal life. We're going to go to work life and in public and see what we come up with in about our remaining 11 minutes or so to take some people's stories. We will do that right after we do this. Brian Lehrer on WNYC, now to your flops and fiascos at work. Hillary in White Plains, you're on WNYC. Thanks for calling in.

Hillary: Hi, Brian. Thanks for taking my call. I have a funny story that's kind of get your first job out of college. I was working with a temp company and hoping to be hired by this law firm. I had been there about a week, I guess, and it was my turn to make coffee. I'd taken the last cup, it's an office protocol, and the dishwasher-- They had a dishwasher in this law firm. I grew up without one, which I can explain later.

There was soap under the sink, which turned out to be dish soap. I put it into the washing machine and I turned it on, and there were bubbles. It was like a bathtub with Big Bird and Elmo. By the time this thing was going through its cycle, somebody came in, saw it, I heard the squeal. I ran in and I said, "Oh my God, I think I did that." We were on our hands and knees cleaning up for hours. Needless to say, I get fired.

Brian Lehrer: You gave the dishes in the law firm kitchen a bubble bath.

Hillary: Pretty much, yes, minus the rubber ducky. Yes, you got it.

Brian Lehrer: You got fired over that?

Hillary: No, I didn't get fired. I just didn't get hired because I was a temp. I guess they thought if you're too stupid to run a dishwasher-- [laughs] I grew up with a single mom in San Francisco, and when I said we didn't have a dishwasher growing up, they were like, "You're kidding me." I said, "No, you're looking at her. I did the dishes."

Brian Lehrer: There you go. Hillary, hang on. If you're willing, we're going to take your contact information in case Robert Johanson and Steve Cosson want to make a song out of that for The Greene Space event. We're going to go next to Mark in the West Village, who was also at a law firm for this flop or fiasco. Right, Mark?

Mark: Hi, Brian. Yes, sounds like there's a lot of legal instances that caused some flops and fiascos. At the time, this is several years ago, I'm a junior lawyer. I'm in a trial in the Southern District of New York before the great Judge Jed Rakoff. He happens to be wearing a tuxedo that day because the trial's been so long and this is the final day of the trial. The courtroom is packed.

I'm sitting at the Counsel table next to a very fantastic bombastic New York lawyer whose name you know, who's doing the closing argument. I have one job as the junior lawyer sitting at the Counsel table, and that is to keep track of the time. I'm so burned out from working a 100-hour work week that week, preparing for the trial. I have no idea how much time has passed. I'm looking at my watch, I have no clue what time it is.

After I have no idea how long, this fantastic lawyer turns to me and says, "Mark, how much time is left?" I freeze. I have no idea. The courtroom is dead silent. I completely forgot to keep track of the time. I couldn't do it. After what felt like about an hour but was probably 10 seconds, Judge Rakoff and his great red tuxedo looks at me and says, "Well, Counsel, how much time is left?" I had no idea.

After about 10 seconds, the judge said, "Well, Counsel, I think you have about 10 minutes left." I was saved by Judge Rakoff but withered under the pressure of knowing how much time was left in the argument.

Brian Lehrer: Timekeeper fails to keep time. Mark, hang on from the 100-hour-a-week infamous law firm work week. Mark, we're going to take your contact information if you're willing if The Civilians want to contact you to turn that into a song. Jack in New Paltz, you're on WNYC. Hi, Jack.

Jack: Hey, Brian. Great song by the way. That was really cool. Great energy and storytelling. Here's my story. I was hired as an actor to be in a show with my Broadway debut. At the beginning of the show, I walked out alone, sang about 30 seconds of this beautiful song, and then was joined by a 32-person chorus, which came up behind me. Now, all of a sudden the song was over [silence].

Brian Lehrer: Oops. Oh, hang on. We lost Jack for a second. We can get him back. Jack, you got cut off for a second. Go back to, "All of a sudden, the song was over," then keep going.

Jack: The song was over, and I stood there and stood there, and there was this absolute silence in the theater, and I kept standing there. Then from somewhere behind me, I heard someone say, "[clears thoat]" [chuckles] I managed to look up to where the stage manager was at the top of the house in this little glass box, and he was waving his hands back and forth like, "Get off. Get off the stage."

It was a major screw-up. My agent was there. I don't think most of the audience knew necessarily. What happened was I was in a replacement cast and we had never actually been on the stage to go over all of our movements. I'm going to say that in my defense, but it was just--

Brian Lehrer: Understudy thrown onto stage. Jack, I'm going to leave it there so I can get another couple on here. That was great. Hang on, we're going to take your contact information if you're willing in case they want to use yours at The Greene Space. Ryan in Pittsburgh has another onstage fiasco. Ryan, you're on WNYC. Hi there.

Ryan: Hey, Brian. Thanks for taking my call. Longtime listener. My story, I was in high school-- I'm actually a classical musician now, but in high school, I was also a singer. One morning, I go into choir and got asked to sing the national anthem and O Canada at our local hockey teams' match in front of around 3,000 people. The problem is I did not know O Canada, so I spent the entire day learning it. Thought it would be no problem. I'm singing it probably a thousand times that day.

Then I get to the arena and go out. They roll out a red carpet, tell me there's no accompaniment so I'm singing acapella. I get three words in and forget the melody, so I made it up in front of 3,000 people and live on the radio.

Brian Lehrer: You remembered the words but you forgot the melody.

Ryan: Well, the thing is, I brought a little cheat sheet of the words in case I forgot because I thought that, of course, I would not forget the melody, I'd forget the words, and it was the opposite. I was staring at the words while making up the melody.

Brian Lehrer: Can you recreate all the renditions of O Canada that you made up?

Ryan: Oh, my goodness. Sure. Starting at the beginning I knew it. [sings] O Canada. Our home and native land. True patriots love in all-- It just goes on from there about three notes just over and over and over. It was one of those moments where you're like, "Please wake up. Please wake up." [laughs]

Brian Lehrer: Ryan, thank you.

Ryan: But it was real and people still make fun of me for it.

Brian Lehrer: [laughs] That's a great story. Hang on, we're going to take your contact information off the air in case they want to turn that one into a song, which Robert Johanson sounds like it might make a pretty good song.

Robert Johanson: Oh, yes. Some variation on O Canada [laughs] but with the hockey rink and everything, that could be a good one.

Brian Lehrer: Well, we're going to run out of time, so we're not going to get to the caller who has a story of sheep escaping or the caller whose husband accidentally got a whole bunch of people drunker than he was trying to get them drunk at Yankee Stadium. There are others out there. If you want, we'll take those people's contact information too, in case you want to get in touch with them. Steve Cosson, artistic director for The Civilians, why don't you wrap it up just by telling people what they can expect along these lines if they actually come to The Greene Space on May 15th?

Steve Cosson: Sure. If you come to the show, you'll maybe hear some of what you heard this morning. You'll hear some other amazing stories of public humiliation. We have a whole crew of composers that are adapting these stories into music. We have playwrights. We have some people we haven't even met yet. It'll be a whole theater machine that is going to take all of this real-life stuff and make it into an amazing performance just for you.

Brian Lehrer: You could do a whole evening of new improvised melodies to many countries' national anthems. That could be the whole night.

Steve Cosson: That's a good idea. We might just do that.

Brian Lehrer: [laughs]. We will leave it there with Steve Cosson and Robert Johanson from The Civilians. The group is the artist-in-residence at The Greene Space and they will be there Monday, May 15th. Tickets are available at wnyc.org/thegreenespace. Tickets at wnyc.org/thegreenespace. I predict it will be neither a flop nor a fiasco. Thanks for doing this with us. Fun to help you out with this, and I know our callers really had a great time.

Steve Cosson: Great. Thanks for having us.

Robert Johanson: Yes, thank you.

Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Stay tuned for Alison.

 

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