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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Very informally, psychotherapy-related, [chuckles] let's say, psychotherapy-adjacent. We're going to end today's show with your calls in hopes of gathering some community wisdom on a complicated social interaction that we have all definitely found ourselves in at some point or another. Here's the question: what's a good thing to say to a friend or loved one when they're going through a breakup? What's an example of what you should not say? 212-433-WNYC. I'll tell you why I'm asking this question today in a minute, but 212-433-9692.

Again, what's a good thing to say to a friend or loved one when they're going through a breakup, and what's an example of what you should not say based on your personal experience or anything else? 212-433-WNYC. 212-433-9692, call or text. We got the idea for this call-in from an article in Time Magazine published recently titled The Best and Worst Things to Say to Someone Going Through a Breakup. I'll give you some of their tips in a minute. We're just going to invite some calls on the good as well as the bad ways to comfort somebody who's going through a lousy breakup. 212-433-WNYC. 212-433-9692, call or text.

What are the worst things you've heard from friends or loved ones trying to be supportive upon telling them about your breakup? Are there phrases that you, based on that, can share that you absolutely should not use? Maybe someone's reaction to your breakup, trying to be helpful, did more harm than good, or even make you angry at them? 212-433-WNYC, 433-9692, or on the positive side, have you been comforted by somebody who responded in a way that actually made you feel seen or made you feel comforted? 212-433-WNYC.

Again, we're doing this because everybody's going to go through this at some time; let's say, as that friend, as that loved one. We're trying to help arm you with the right things to say that are going to actually be helpful. 212-433-9692, if you can help with that. The Time article warns against what they call "toxic positivity," phrases like: ready for an example? "Time heals all wounds." They say not to say that. Another pretty bad one, according to them, "At least you weren't married." Maybe the worst, "I never liked that person, anyway." This says, "I never liked them, anyway."

Listeners, have you ever gotten a reaction to your breakup that made you almost as upset as the breakup itself? Or maybe you see those examples of toxic positivity from Time, and you think, "No, that actually helped me when I heard somebody say 'Time heals all wounds,' or 'At least you aren't married,' or 'I never liked them, anyway.'" 212-433-WNYC. Some positive responses from the Time piece, ones they supported; that's really big news. Just a simple acknowledgement of it being really big news, a helpful phrase if you're not sure how to react and don't want to pass any judgment, it says.

Another one, "It makes sense to feel a lot of different things right now. Really bad today, but maybe a little better tomorrow." Maybe that's the more sensitive version of "Time heals all wounds." One more, "You did your best," which kind of acknowledges the effort the grieving party likely put into the relationship. Sometimes failure is more painful than no longer having an ex in your life. Reinforcing that they tried to make the relationship succeed could be helpful. Some examples of good ones and bad ones from that Time magazine article. You give us yours. What's an example of the best? What's an example of the worst things to say to someone going through a breakup?

Call or text? 212-433-WNYC, 433-9692, and we'll put you on and read your text right after this.

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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Now to your calls with examples of the best and worst things to say to somebody going through a breakup, starting with Astrid in Ridgewood. Astrid, you're on WNYC. Hi, there.

Astrid: Hi, Brian. Good morning. Thanks for taking my call. I just want to share the best thing anyone has ever said to me while I was going through a breakup, and something I am constantly saying to other people, and that is that relationships are all about timing. You're two people, maybe you're in the right place and it's the wrong time, and you break up even though you love each other, or you're not right for each other, but it was the right time. Something about that has always just been deeply comforting and helps me get over my heartache.

Brian Lehrer: Nice. I have a corollary to that. A friend of mine said, "When it comes to getting married, she used to think it was like a scavenger hunt. You go through dates until you found the right person." Then she ultimately decided, when she got married, that it was more like a game of musical chairs, which was when the time was right for you, the music stopped, and you settle down with the person you're with.

Astrid: Exactly.

Brian Lehrer: Interesting about timing. Astrid, thank you very much. Dave in Southampton, you're on WNYC. Hi, Dave.

Dave: Hey, Brian. How are you doing?

Brian Lehrer: Good. Got a story?

Dave: Yes. I tend to take the same attitude in terms of positivity whenever I'm in that situation. I tend to just let that other person know, who may be going through that difficult time, that, "Hey, I'm there for you. If you need to talk, I can relate. I've been there." As much as I can just feel that other person isn't alone in their situation. Because that's the worst feeling in the world is that you're the only one going through it.

Brian Lehrer: Yes, that's probably always a good one. "I'm there for you if you need to talk." Dave, thank you. Isabelle in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Hi, Isabelle.

Isabelle: Hi. I have the not-so-good story of what not to say. [laughs] I was in a relationship from age 18 to 28. I'm now 32, so most of my adult life. When I went through my breakup, a lot of the closest people to me, my closest friends, my mom would say something along the lines of, "You could do better than him." Or, "You deserve better." Basically, like, "He wasn't good enough for you, anyway." Which is always said, I think, meant to be comforting, and I think it would be if it was a very short term relationship or you're dating someone that didn't work out, that that might be more comforting.

When it's such a long time and you've invested so much effort and time and energy into a relationship, it's just about the worst thing that you can hear.

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Brian Lehrer: It's like a judgment of you, right?

Isabelle: Yes, exactly.

Brian Lehrer: You were with somebody who was not a good person.

Isabelle: Yes, essentially. I think in a lot of those relationships, we're not really working, but you stay in it for many years even though it's not working. Those are the types of effort, justification, and mental gymnastics that you do to stay in the relationship are the things that really kill you in that way it ends. Doubling down on that or hearing your loved ones double down on those things is really painful. It's like, yes. I think that I have gotten some good advice, which is mainly, I think, having to do with timing, like the first guest said, and having to do with just taking a beat and just realizing that life is a whole process and there is no timeline or schedule.

That it's just a learning process, and it looks different with different chapters and different lengths of different chapters for everybody.

Brian Lehrer: Isabelle, thank you.

Isabelle: I think the timing thing is good.

Brian Lehrer: Thank you.

Isabelle: Thank you.

Brian Lehrer: Hopefully helpful for people. Some texts that are coming in. Listener writes, "I don't say anything, but I do show up to hold space for the person." Another listener writes, this one's different, "I would just try to be supportive but not take sides. If and when the people reconcile, what you said might come back to haunt you," writes Ed in Seville. Listener writes, "The best response a friend gave me to a breakup was, 'I'm sorry and congratulations,' which I now borrow and use today." Maybe that gets a giggle anyway. I don't know.

Listener writes, "Oh boy. I had a friend who, when I was venting about my breakup, started telling me about a breakup she went through years before that my breakup made her think of this." This listener didn't like that. Another one writes, "Best, it's going to be different, but it's going to be okay. Worst, any response that tries to quantify or qualify your pain during the breakups, comparisons never help." One more text. Listener writes, "Worst thing to say to someone who had a recent breakup of a long-term relationship is, "Things were bad for a long time, so why are you so upset?" Last one, let's see. Ellen in Manhattan, you're on WNYC. Hi, Ellen.

Ellen: Oh, hi. I couldn't understand why we had to break up, why we couldn't work it out, because we loved each other. Then I got a Chinese fortune cookie, [laughs] and it said, "He loves you as much as he is able to. He is just not able very much," and for some reason, that got through to me.

Brian Lehrer: Even though that let your partner off the hook?

Ellen: Well, I didn't need him to be on the hook. I needed me to be off his hook. [laughs]

Brian Lehrer: Nice. Thank you very much. Oh, we're going to sneak in Julia in Brooklyn because you're the second person, Julia. I read that text before saying you say, "Congratulations."

Julia: [chuckles] I say, "Congratulations." Or, "I'm proud of you," because it kind of takes the emphasis off the person they're breaking up with or the relationship, and it puts it on the fact that they made a really hard decision, especially in New York City, when sometimes breaking up is so expensive if you live together or have a storage unit together, something like that.

Brian Lehrer: That's going to be the last word, how expensive it is to break up in New York City. Julia, congratulations on that phone call, and thanks to everyone who called and shared your advice. Hopefully, that's helpful to somebody who's going to be in the position of giving such advice in the future. Thanks, everybody. Stay tuned for Alison.

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