Number one. Oh God. Somebody’s mowing the lawn. Goodness. Okay. Number one, I have losing my teeth. I'm always having dreams that my teeth are falling out or, like, I'll be eating something in my dream and all my teeth are gone, and they say it could because of my pregnancy, but I don't know. I've had them for years now.
Number two. Dying.
Number three. Oh my God. I put spiders and rats and mice because they just… Okay, I'll start with spiders. I'm scared of spiders because all those movies where they say they can lay eggs in your face and stuff. And rats, I’m scared of them because they're not very cute, and they're not very nice. I've seen one in my mom's garage, and it was eating dog food. It was sitting there. It was humongous like a raccoon, almost, and it was eating dog food out of the dog bowl. It was just staring at me like, I'm not going to move.
Number five. Jail. Well, I fear jail because I've been there, and I've been to prison a couple of times, and it's not bad for me because I can do it, because I've did it before, but the only part is just being away from my children, and that's what's really... I mean, I don't want to go to jail ever again for myself either because I don't like it. But my kids are what makes me not ever want to go back there. I don't want to be away from them. That's my son, I'm sorry. I just got home and he likes to scream really loud. He's fifteen months, and he's in his crib and he must have been taking a nap. So he sees me. He wants me to get him out of his crib, so he's being really loud.
Number six. Child protective services taking a child from me.
Seven. I have to go to court every couple of months just to check in and do urine screens, and I think every urine screen is fifty dollars. But the longer I'm on I accumulate more drug screens, so I owe them fifteen hundred dollars, and then I’ll be able to get off. So, kind of just stuck right now.
Eight. My significant other being unfaithful. A couple of years ago me and my fiance were both in addiction, and I got clean and sober, and he was still in addiction. I was just so frustrated and so scared I was going to use that I just left. It was nighttime. I just left. And that's really what hurt him, the way I left. So I just know... I'm selfish because I know if he were to do something, or leave me, who am I to be like, we're never gonna be together, when he gave me another chance. And I just... I think that's why I struggle so bad, because I know I would wholeheartedly deserve it if it were to happen, but I just don’t want it to happen.
Nine. Losing my mother. When I went to prison she kept my kids, when I've been in jail, in my addiction. She's never said, no I'm not going to do this or, no I'm tired of you, and write me off. She just never gave up on me.
Ten. Relapse. The past two or three years I came so far. My step dad always says, well, you're just going to. You're just gonna go back. You're just gonna be terrible again. You're just gonna be... like, I'm this terrible person and he just tells me it ain't gonna last long. It'll happen, you know? And that's my biggest fear. Like, I don't ever want to do something so he could say, I told you. Tia’s never gonna be nothing in her life.
My name is Tia Hosler and these are 10 things that scare me.