Number one. Becoming an orphan. I'm the only child. So whenever that happens, that's going to be probably the worst time of my life.
Number two. Getting shot. Not because I live in Brooklyn, you can get shot anywhere, but it just looks so painful, and you might die. You might survive. 50 Cent did.
Number three. Getting AIDS.
Number four. Getting Alzheimer’s and not knowing who my family is.
Number five. Being blind. It was always, like, a fear of mine, even when I was six or seven. I would close my eyes and pretend I was blonde, uh blind. Blonde, blind, in ShopRite and try to find my mom. And my friend invited me to this restaurant where you eat in the dark and I'm like, “For fucking what? For fucking what?”
Number six. The lasting effects of Trump's America. I feel like I'm living in the angriest Spike Lee movie ever.
Number seven. Not being successful.
Number eight. Finding out my husband has a whole other family. That would fucking wreck me. You know, a lot of my uncles have side families. I've always said before I even got married, I was just like, I can understand someone cheating on me 20 years into a relationship, but I can't understand it like in the first five years, like the bowl-of-cherry fucking years, and now that I'm with someone for ten years, I'm like if this motherfucker ever looked at something...
Number nine. Being tortured or confined or a sex slave. Like, look, women get it. Because when you travel and you have a vagina, just a hole between your legs, you are vulnerable as fuck. And my mom's always, like, afraid when I travel, she's like, “Don't get drunk and talk to strangers,” even though that’s, like, my thing. But I always tell her, like, my look is not a sex slave look. My look is, like, “Clean my house, bitch.” You know, “Clean around the sex slave.” But every Lifetime movie, the bitch is just a sex slave and it's always based off a true story, and it's always, like, in a neighborhood somewhere in bumble fuck Ohio, where it’s just, like, “He was such a nice guy. I used to give him his newspapers.” He had four women chained in the fucking basement.
Number ten. My, my number ten fear. The number, the thing that I'm scared of, number ten. Oh my God. I know how words work. Not becoming a mother. I really want to become a mom. I'm so tired of mothering my dusty, annoying family and my friends. Oh my God, my parents want me to have kids so bad. They’re really, every time we have dinner, they’ll cheers and be, like, “To extending the family.” And I'm like, “We got it.” It's been a struggle to have children with my husband and the great thing now is that there’s a lot of alternative options, um they're not all covered by insurance because why would they be. Yeah, yeah. But I, it's always interesting when a kid doesn't like me and I'm just like that's on you. That's really on you. If you're not ready for this love, then come back when you're ready.
I'm Michelle Buteau and these are 10 things that scare me.
Oh God. I have a therapy session tomorrow. We'll talk about it.