JO FIRESTONE

Here we go.

Number one. Popcorn kernel stuck in tooth forever.

Number two. Murder.

Number three. Being chased at night. When I first moved to New York, a lot of people were like -- just create a claw with your keys. And I was like okay, I guess.  But then it's like what do you do then. After you formed a weapon, what do you do then? Do you scratch them like Wolverine? Or what do you do? I mean ...

Number four. Loose lasers. Sometimes you know those Christmas decorations? Here’s the thing. You ever walk down the street and you find yourself there’s a little red dot on you from a laser? Have you ever had that before and you’re like, what’s going on? Where is this coming from? Is there a sniper? What’s going on? And that’s that is what, it’s chilling. ‘Cuz it could just be Christmas, but it could be sniper.  

Number five. Getting to a point mentally where unicycling seems cool, nay even sexy. I would never go on dates with someone without asking first thing: do you ride a unicycle? Do you enjoy it? Do you do it on city streets? That would be my first question. Second question: do you want kids?

Number six. Tearing the wedding dress of a non-friend bride.  Well, I used to be a caterer for a lot of weddings and there was like a few close calls where I'd be like almost spilling something on the bride or I’d almost tear the dress and it was like, oh my gosh. I'm only getting paid so much money to be here. I'm not, I’m invisible. I'm just here to pass out the canapes. You know I mean and that's, that's not, that's not what your job is and you ruined this poor woman's wedding.

Number seven. Watching true crime in a group setting. The thing with watching true crime in a group is that you, it's not even the content of the show, it's watching the reactions of people you thought you knew get delighted. They’re salivating. They're just getting so excited. It's not a fun group activity. And anyone who convinces you that it's a fun group act - in middle school, there was one girl that always wanted to do this group activity where we went around a circle and said what we didn't like about each other and she always convinced us it would be fun and it was never fun. It was horrible.

Number eight. Running into a tree branch, popping your eyeball out of your head.

Number nine. Thanksgiving turkey comes back to life. I had this thing where I would have a boyfriend for like nine months and then I’d be like you want to come home for Thanksgiving? And then he'd, he’d join me for Thanksgiving and then a month later we'd break up. And that happened four years in a row. It was such a bummer.

Number ten. Pooping in a single stall and then you come out to find there's a long line of people of all ages waiting to go in.

I'm Jo Firestone and these are 10 things that scare me.